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Today I came to a realization: nobody actually gives a damn about the environment. Yes, I realize that I am probably one of the last of the naive and idealistic to come to terms with this. I realize that my dad is *gasp* right! I realize that people will say anything to make themselves look/feel good.
But when you can’t do a simple thing like use a plastic, washable cup instead of taking a paper cup that you are later going to throw in the trash, I call bullsh*t. My work offers both plastic and paper cups and initially, when I saw that someone was eating in, I would hand them a plastic cup. But I got sick of hearing “Can I have a to-go cup instead?” so now I ask. And 9 times out of 10, people want paper cups. Even though we have a sign encouraging people to “Go green!”
People talk about the environment and how the polar ice caps are melting and landfilles are going to take over the world and the polar bear is suffering and how we need to carpool or use mass transport. But who actually gives enough of a damn to do something about it? Not many people that I can see! I don’t see people making sacrifices. I see the same consumeristic, me first, only-if-it-is-convenient-for-me attitude that I saw 10 years ago.
People don’t car pool. They don’t ride their bikes or walk or take the bus. (Granted, I wouldn’t want to rely on the public transportation system in Indiana either.) They still sit in the drive-thru. They still mow their lawns on “no-zone action” days. They still don’t recycle because their neighborhood doesn’t offer that service. They still litter and smoke and use plastic/paper bags at the grocery store. And they still want paper cups. Hell, even Al Gore is full of crap and he’s been the loudest squawker about this subject.
I’m not saying I’m a saint. I don’t carpool or take the bus. I usually get the plastic/paper bags at the grocery. I sit in the drive-thru. But I try to make a conscious effort. I recycle (obsessively so). I don’t litter. And I use the plastic cups. Because I don’t just want to be all talk and no action. I can always do better and I hope that I will always strive to do better. I believe that Jesus is coming to create a new heavens and new earth but I don’t believe that that gives us license to trash the earth He gave us in the first place.
You were never there. Oh, you were when Mom made you be. But I could always tell you didn’t want to be. I could sense your reluctance. At all of my plays and recitals and musicals and piano performances. You said you were proud of me and you probably were. But I knew you’d rather be in front of the tv. I was less important than Star Trek re-runs. Do you know how that made me feel? How it still makes me feel? There is a reason I don’t bother inviting you to my dances anymore.
I hated it when Mom made you go on trips with us. You always stressed us all out. Trying to beat traffic and failing and then getting upset about it. Yelling at other drivers. Getting frustrated with us kids. I was glad when Mom finally gave up and just took us herself. Even going to China was more fun. But you missed out on the experience of seeing where your other daughter came from. Getting to meet her with the rest of us. Do you ever regret that?
I don’t believe anything you tell me anymore. Every promise sounds empty. Every attempt to be a father feels forced. Did you even want kids? You are one of the reasons I don’t want children. I never want to make someone I created and brought into the world feel like I resent them. Like I would be happier if they weren’t around. If I didn’t have to provide for them or care about their dreams and passions. I never want to make someone wonder if I even love them. Do you love me?
I still care what you think of me, but I wish I didn’t. I still want you to be proud of me. I know that I haven’t exactly helped the rift between us. But after 24 years, I am tired of trying. I’m tired of being rejected. I’m tired of hurting because of some flippant comment about my weight or my friends or my politics. Did you know that you’re part of the reason why I avoided physical touch for so long? One morning you came out into the kitchen and in a moment of love, I went to hug you. But you immediately reprimanded me for something I had done. I chose right then not to open myself up to that again. So years later, friends had to teach me it was okay to hug people. I am still terrified of rejection though. And still find it hard to be physically affectionate sometimes.
I run from any man who reminds me of you. I refuse to even entertain the possibility that I could end up with someone like you. I don’t want to be married because he could turn into you. And I don’t want to be like Mom, staying in it for the kids and being miserable. I would rather be alone than even take a chance. Would it make you sad if you knew that?
I wish I could believe your attempts now. I wish I could trust you. But 24 years is a long time. There is a lot of damage that has to be undone and I’m not sure it’s possible. So I will wait and see. Maybe, if I see the changes stick, we can build a relationship. But I’m not holding my breath.
Listening: ‘What Sound’ by Lamb
Reading: ‘A Grief Observed’ by C.S. Lewis
Thinking: I wish being an adult didn’t involve making tough choices.
How to Annoy Me: Treat God like a genie that you only need when something is going wrong.
How to Charm Me: Promise to walk beside me in this.
Quote of the Day: To get through the hardest journey we need only take one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping. – Chinese Proverb
1000 Words: 
