Tonight was good, hard, confusing, sad….mixed emotions suck. When I arrived at church tonight, half of me wanted to be there but the other half reeeeally didn’t. I just wasn’t in the mood to be around a big group of people. Especially a big group of people that A: would have a lot of new people that I’d have to be a little more perky for and B: would have people who know me and can read me and know something’s wrong.
I’m glad I went, mostly, since I’m not going to be there for the next three weeks. Not to mention I’d probably never hear the end of it from Shane. 🙂 But someone said something to me tonight that just threw me. I was already feeling sad and anti-social and then this. All I could think is, “Why the h*** would you say that to me?! Of all things and of all times! Why?!” Some people truly make me want to throw things. The people who speak without thinking being one of the major parties. So I went for a walk when I got home. Yes, it was raining. Yes, it was 10:00 at night. No, I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings like I probably should have. But I don’t care. I needed to walk. I needed to be alone with God and my thoughts. I needed to be away from people and phones and music and everything. So I talked to God about my frustration, my bad mood, everything. I asked Him why that person said what they did. I don’t think it was in malice. I don’t think they were deliberately trying to hurt me. I think it was just thoughtless. So I came to the conclusion that I can’t be too angry. I’ve made many thoughtless remarks in my time. My little bitty heart is still hurting a little. But what Uncle Dan said tonight is right. Forgiveness frees you to be better in tune with the Holy Spirit. And it prevents bitterness. Not to mention it’s what that Jesus guy told us to do. 😉 So with a reminder to love that person and a handful of crispy M&M’s, I’m letting forgiveness wash over the hurt.
It’s always interesting to me how when I’m struggling or worried about something, somehow God let’s me know that He knows and He cares. Whether it’s through a sermon, a song, something someone says, whatever. He knows that sometimes I need something visible or audible to renew my faith. Tonight Shane read through Luke 10, the story of Mary and Martha, and we were supposed to sit and listen for a key word or phrase to jump out at us. I kinda cheated and had two phrases but they really go together. It’s the scene where Martha is busy in the kitchen and Mary is just sitting at Jesus feet, listening. Martha gets mad and tells Jesus to tell her sister to help her. Jesus replies, “….you’re getting yourself worked up over nothing. One thing only is essential…..” That was exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been worrying about different things and that really just made me remember, “You’re not supposed to be worrying about this stuff. Cling to Jesus. He is enough. He is what is essential. Not all these other things that you have let take up way too much brain space.” Then Josh taught us a song that he wrote. Some of the words are, “If Jesus is King, King over everything, why do I worry?” I needed to hear that tonight. Hopefully those things will return to me when I’m tempted to worry. Which will probably be tomorrow when I remember crap that my family is dealing with and that I need a second job or I wonder if I should go back to school or any of the other 100 things I could think about. But until then, I can rest in peace knowing that Jesus is King. So thank you to Shane and Josh for those reminders.
Love and hugs!