“Sometimes I wish I had something to come home to. Something or someone stable. Sometimes I feel like a ship on the ocean completely without any anchor. Sometimes I wish I had an anchor. Y’know? That person that just stands there when you freak out and waits until you’re done and hugs you because they don’t have anything to say… because there ISN’T anything to say. That person that you finally realized won’t and can’t solve all of your problems but can make everything better by kissing you on the forehead and telling you you’re beautiful, and you’re a good girl.

I’ve never felt like a good girl. I’ve always felt as if I’m always in trouble for something. Even after I’m not in trouble anymore. I’m still on the bad-list. So much on the bad-list that I’ll never do enough good things to not be on the bad-list anymore.

It’s a good thing that God gives us a way to get off of HIS bad-list… but what do you do with the people?”

Sometimes it’s so strange how another person can voice your exact thoughts. Or maybe they weren’t even your coherent thoughts yet. Maybe they were just what you were feeling deep down inside you. Then that person said it and you thought, “Yeah, that’s it. That describes what’s been going on inside of me!” The person who wrote the above in her blog does that a lot “for” me. She is always saying exactly what I’m thinking or feeling. And I love her for it. Because then all I have to say is “Ditto!” 🙂 But she’s done it again. That whole thing with needing an anchor and being on the bad-list? I was thinking about those things at work today. (Nice thing about being a nanny. Lots of thinking time.) I was thinking about how rash I can be. Really, I’ve come to realize that I get caught up in stuff and then my ability to think clearly (which I know I possess! I’ve used it!) flies out the window. So I do dumb stuff.
I don’t like being that type of person. I would like to be the person who thinks before she speaks and acts. (Maybe life isn’t as fun but at least I’d be apologizing less.) I would like to be the person who remains calm and objective in the middle of a problem or crisis. The frustrating thing is sometimes I am. I can sometimes see all the angles and make good decisions. But then there are other times. And for some reason this lead to me thinking about marriage. If I did happen to get married, I think I’d need someone who could reign me back in. I wish I could be the sane one but I’m doubting that will happen. (Hopefully I won’t end up with someone equally as insane. Our poor children.) If anything, my husband will have to be the anchor. The one who lets me get caught up and be passionate and wild but also knows when to bring me back down. Before I do something really stupid.
That lead to me thinking about my being on the “bad list”. I too have always felt like I was in trouble for something. Even when I wasn’t. Because then I felt like everyone was just waiting for me to screw up again. And I usually didn’t disappoint them. (You’d think this would have improved with age…..) I’m so used to feeling “bad” and like I need to do penance. That’s probably why the whole “you can’t earn your salvation” thing was such a hurdle for me. Still is sometimes, if I’m completely honest. (I shoulda been Catholic. 😉 Just kidding Ron.) I think this is maybe what lead to my perfectionist tendancies. Not all the time but sometimes (usually odd times too) everything has to be just so. Same thought process, really. At least for me. “If I can just be good enough. If everything is just right. If I’m just right.” It never lasts, because it just can’t. I’m not perfect. If nothing else, I’ll end up spilling something on myself like I’m 2-years-old again.
Fortunately for me, God doesn’t expect me to be perfect. He knows that I’m fallen and that I struggle and that I make dumb decisions and that most days I feel not pretty and unlovable and just bad. He knows all that and He still loves me. Go figure. Once you’re used to conditional love, unconditional love seems too unfathomable. But it’s what He has to offer. It’s up to us to accept it though. And that’s where it gets tricky for me. I have a hard time accepting love, because I’m so used to it being conditional. “Do it and I’ll take it away!” “Don’t do it and I’ll take it away!” “Don’t embarrass me, act your age, maybe I love so-and-so more than you.” Really, do you wonder why I’m so convinced that I need to do penance? After a lifetime of abuse, counseling, fighting, nightmares and keeping it all tucked away, it’s no wonder I still feel like I’m on the bad list.
My friend who wrote that also talked about going and living in a cave. Sounds like a good idea to me. I’ll find some forest friends and go hide in a cave. Then I won’t have to worry about conditional love or marriage or the bad list or any of it! But then I suppose I wouldn’t be living, would I?