You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2005.

Happy birthday Josh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this is what being loved feels like…..

Just got back from the Sr. High Fall Retreat. No, I’m not back to being a sponsor. I was acting as nanny for one of the other sponsor couples. It was fun. I liked being able to be there and kinda hang out with the kids but not have the responsibility that comes with being “in charge”. (Not that I ever acted that much in charge when I was a sponsor. :-D) It was also funny that I seemed to have a better relationship with the other sponsors now that I’m not one. (A big part of that being my attitude toward the whole thing anyway.) One of the ladies that I didn’t think liked me very much was one of the people I hung out with quite a bit.

We did the skits thing again and I took Tim’s place as Andy’s co-judge. For one of the skits, the girls were the boys and vice versa so they were all dressed up in each other’s clothes. Reid Morgan wore my jeans. I told Brian I didn’t know how I felt about the fact that Reid could fit into them. He goes, “Skinny?” Heh. Jonah got to be in the winning skit. They did all 6 episodes of Star Wars in 4 minutes. It was hilarious. He sang the theme song and played Anakin as a little boy.

Both nights after the kids went to bed and the students and sponsors were in their meeting, I got to go outside and read and just walk and pray. It was great. It’s been a really, really, really weird week for me and I hadn’t had time to process everything that was happening. It was nice just to have time to be alone out in the open and not have 5 billion things demanding my attention.

For those of you who think I’m freaked about the guy calling me, chill out. 🙂 I wasn’t reacting to him so much as to a different situation. He just got the “brunt” of it, I guess you could say, since he called right before I started blogging. It’s still a little strange that he would call me but I’m not worried about it. (Yes Ian, he probably thinks I don’t love Jesus since I said I hate men so he’s calling to convert me. 😉 ) I do plan on getting in touch with him somehow.

Now it’s time for a nap until church tonight! Bye ya’ll!

…..for the sake of complaining.

My teeth hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@%$# wisdom teeth!!!!!!

Ok, back to acting my age. 😉

“God did not postpone judgment so that we could be judgmental in his place.” John Fischer

I’m having a hard time with something. I don’t know where to draw a line. Or if there should even be a line in the first place. How do you differentiate between correcting someone (in love) because they’re doing something stupid and being judgmental?

Obviously the attitude of your heart is going to have a lot to do with it. If you’re going in feeling high, mighty and righteous, you may need to take a step back. Humility is key. Remember that you don’t have it all figured out either. To prevent yourself from being judgmental, perhaps you merely have to prevent yourself from being prideful. But how easy is that? Not very.

What if you do go in with all the love of Christ but the person still takes it as being judgmental? I guess that’s one of those situations where it’s then on their head. You did what you were supposed to do, now it’s up to them to respond.

The reason I bring this up is I’m remembering a situation from high school. To protect the privacy of those involved, I won’t say names although some of you may still figure it out. A friend of mine (Friend A) and I found out some disturbing things about another friend of ours (Friend B). We talked to an older woman about it and she encouraged us to confront our friend. After much prayer and deliberation, we decided that it would be for the best.

So we did. Friend B didn’t take it well. There was yelling. There were tears. I can’t remember exactly but I think that she repeatedly accused Friend A of being judgmental. I don’t think she ever accused me though. And I can’t figure out why. Friend A and I were saying the same things. I didn’t feel like there was much difference in *how* we were saying them. So I don’t know what the difference was. I know that there was no judgment on my part. Only fear. Fear for her and where I saw her going. I think it was the same for Friend A.

I wish I could talk to Friend B today and ask her what was going through her mind. I wish I could tell her that I wasn’t trying to judge her. But I guess you can’t always have everything right with everyone in your world.

God doesn’t call us to be the judges of the world. That’s like when a parent tells their younger child not to do something and then the older sibling jumps in to scold as well. (Not that I’ve ever done that…… 😉 ) He *does* call us to love it though. Maybe in our loving, we will make mistakes. But I think I’d rather be known as someone who loves too much rather than someone who judges too much.

God gets my attention in interesting ways. Sometimes it’s through what someone says or does. Sometimes it’s a movie. Sometimes nature. Most of the time, it’s a book. I’ll be sitting there, innocently reading, and the next thing I know, good ol’ HS is tugging at my heart. (HS= Holy Spirit 😉 )

One of the things that I have been worried about lately is my growth in certain areas. I know that it’s not unusual to have a “two steps forward, one step back” approach to…well, life. But sometimes I wonder if I ever really moved at all. Because the same things keep tripping me up. Whether it’s a fear or thought process or just outright sin. I’ll think that I’ve finally moved past it and the next thing I know, I’m flat on my face again.

I know that one of the things resurfaced lately because I didn’t deal with it properly the first time. Or, uh, the second time. It started to become too much and so I shut down and stopped dealing with it. I distracted myself and didn’t dwell on it. But this time, I plan on dealing with it fully. I want to be over this. I don’t want it to haunt my dreams. I don’t want it to paralyze me. I want to be free. Maybe I’ll never be completely free but I want to be more free than I am now. Because right now, it feels like it will overtake me.

Then there’s just my general fear/hatred of men. Sometimes I truly think that I am getting over it. Then something will happen and all my “progress” will come crashing to the floor. Leaving me to clean up the mess without so much as a broom. I want to be healed. I want to be able to remember not all men are jerks. Not all men use and abuse. Not all men use their strength for doing wrong. But all men *are* made in His image, just like me.

I also want to be able to lower my mask. I want to let people see more than my eyes peeking over the wall at them. It’s hard to “love your neighbor as yourself” when you’re so afraid that they’ll hurt you, you don’t let them in. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of hating. I’m tired of not knowing peace. Peace with God. Peace with my fellow man. Peace with myself. I want to be defined by love. Not an easy thing to do when you’re shooting daggers at half the human race.

So as I sit on the couch reading, all of these thoughts and struggles warring in my head, I read these words written by N.T. Wright.

“How do you cope when the world is out of joint? When your world is out of joint? When people you love are at odds with one another or with you? When you can see people, perhaps people you care for very deeply, going off in the wrong direction while claiming that it’s you that’s heading the wrong way? The temptation is either to yell at people, or back off and sulk in a corner. That’s not the way of being Paul….But what does it mean to be Paul in such situations? It means thinking into the problem and the pain of the situation you face, even if that means allowing some of your own raw nerves, some of your own vulnerability, to be exposed. It means being weak in order to be strong. We live in a world full of people struggling to be, or at least pretending to appear, strong, in order not to be weak; and we follow a gospel which says that when I am weak, then I am strong. What is our calling, then? We are called, simply, to hold on to Christ and his cross with one hand, with all out might, and to hold on to those we are givn to love with the other hand, with all our might, with courage, humour, self-abandonment, creativity, flair, tears, silence, sympathy, gentleness, flexibility, Christlikeness. When we find their tears becoming our won, we may know that healing has begun to happen; when they find Christ in being held on to by us, whether we realize it or not, we are proving the truth of what Paul said: God made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin, so that in him we might embody the saving faithfulness of God……You will never meet anybody, and you will never meet any group of people, that does not need healing in some respect or other; and God will see to it, whether you realize it or not, that their pain and yours are often remarkably similar, so that all you may have to do, to share the work of Christ the healer, is to hold on and pray in silent sympathy….Whatever skills God has given you, be prepared to use them as instruments of the gospel.”

Wow. I can’t do that and hold on to my anger. I can’t be used by God if half the people I “minister” to I automatically don’t trust. I can’t be Christ to anyone unless I am healed of this and step forward with determination, realizing that I will mess up and I will get hurt. But I can’t do it if I rely on myself. It has to be Him. Because I’ve tried the other way and it just doesn’t work. 🙂

Aight, my little brother tagged me so here we go!

10 years ago I was…
– 11 years old
– hanging out with Afton, causing trouble 🙂
– wishing I went to public school
– uh…….lol

5 years ago I was…
– finishing my jr/sr year of high school
– learning to drive (yeah, i was a bit late on that)
– running around with Jodi, Jeri and Annie
– stepping up in youth group

1 year ago I was…
– working at Chick-fil-A
– relieved that I wasn’t at Liberty
– starting to really get to know people in Teknon
– starting my year as a sponsor

Yesterday I…
– watched Reegan 🙂
– did childcare for ZPC
– organized my bank stuff from the last 6/7 years

5 snacks I enjoy…
– “get behind me Satan” chips (ie. cool ranch doritos)
– anything chocolate
– pretzels
– yogurt
– Dove ice cream

5 songs I know all the words to…
– ‘She Will Be Loved’, Maroon 5
– ‘Whip It’, Devo
– ‘The Way You Look Tonight’, Frank Sinatra
– ‘Angel’, DMB
– ‘I Won’t Say I’m In Love’, Hercules 😉 (That was for you Annie!)

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars…
– buy a building for The Dwelling Place
– start my own half-way house (I think that’s what they’re called)
– go to Australia
– adopt babies from China
– give it to my friends with the stipulation that they have to use part of it to help someone else 😀 (I think I’ve seen ‘Pay It Forward’ one too many times)

5 places I would run away to…
– Australia
– Florida (unless it’s hurricane season)
– Colorado
– North Dakota (why? b/c I’ve never been there!)
– Portland, Oregan (go find Donald Miller and hang with him)

5 things I would never wear…
– a bikini
– hmm…….bikini is about it 😀

5 favorite tv shows…(this question isn’t quite fair. none of my shows are on the air anymore.)
– Angel
– I Love Lucy
– Hogan’s Heros
– Buffy the Vampire Slayer
– Dr. Quinn (laugh all you want, it was a good show)

5 bad habits…
– speaking before I think
– blogging before I think 😉
– over-analyzing
– taking phone calls when I’m with someone else
– grouping all men into the “men are pigs” category

5 biggest joys…
– The Dwelling Place
– my friends
– dancing
– Reegan
– writing

5 fictional characters I would date…
– ANGEL!!!!!!!!! ~swoons~ 😉
– Jack Sparrow
– Batman
– Wolverine
– uh…..Prince Eric 😉

5 people I tag to do this…
– my sis (Sheryl)
– my clone (Crystal)
– my best friend (Annie)
– my co-hort (Nicole)
– my twin (Kels)

According to Aristotle, it is “a single soul in two bodies”. Henry Ford said that it is someone who brings out the best in you. It’s a gift you give yourself. A friend is “God’s way of taking care of us.” A friend is “someone who knows the song of your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

Obviously we as humans place great value on friendship. We learn things from friends that we could not learn on our own. Each person has a story, life experiences that no other person can claim. And from these things we learn what we could not from any other person. Our lives are enriched by those we keep close to us.

Sometimes those relationships last a long, long time. But sometimes they come to an end. And sometimes it’s for no apparent reason. This is something I’ve been mulling over recently. Why do friendships end? Or at best, drift. Obviously life changes and we have to adapt or get swept out to sea. But why is it that people move on, especially when there’s not really a reason? This is something that I’ve just recently thought of and it’s entirely possible that I’m completely off but here we go.

I think maybe the reason God allows us to drift apart is we are done learning what we could from that person and vice versa. You’ve fought battles together and been there in good times and laughed and cried and prayed and yelled. You’ve each taken something from your experiences together. But maybe we get to a point where we have to move on. It’s not that you no longer like the person or you’ve had some big fall out. But you both need to move on. Because if you don’t, if you stubbornly stick together and never branch out, other people will miss out on your wisdom. On what you have to offer to the story. And you’ll miss out on what they have to offer.

Let’s face it. You can only have so many good friends. Otherwise life just gets exhausting and complicated. (I’m not saying you can’t be kind and loving toward everyone but true friendship takes work.) So what if you have to move on from that person that you’ve been best friends with for x amount of years because you have taught each other everything you can. And maybe that friendship with that person was preparing you for the next friendship. Maybe you wouldn’t have been ready for the new friendship if you hadn’t experienced that old one first. (This is sounding a little too predestination-y for my taste so let’s switch trains a little bit.)

Friendships really are odd things. There are your accquaintences, the people you kinda have to be friends with, the people who you are their friend but they aren’t really your friend, your good group of friends where you know acceptance can be found. Then there are the deep friendships where there’s a special connectedness. Where your thought patterns become so alike that you don’t even have to finish a sentence but the other person knows what you’re talking about. Or they walk into a room and you don’t even have to turn around to know that they’re there. You can just sense it. (Kinda like when John jumped for joy in Elizabeth’s womb because Mary had arrived.) I wonder what it is that makes each of those relationships what they are? What is it that makes you connect more with some people than with others? Things you have in common, sure. Similar life experiences. But I have quite a few people that I have things in common with or share life experiences with. The number of people that I feel that deep connectedness with, however, I can count on one hand.

One of those people doesn’t even fit the description I just gave. This person and I vary greatly on many things. While we share a love of writing, acting and dancing, there are many things that we are complete opposites on. But maybe we are an example of learning to love someone despite whatever glaringly obvious differences you may have.

I don’t understand how and why it all works. Maybe I never will. But tonight, I sit here grateful for my friends. You have all enriched my life in different ways. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. (So if I’m annoying, you have no one but yourselves to blame. 😉 )

“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.” – Walt Whitman

“Friendship is always a responsibility, never an opportunity.” – Kahil Gibran

“The best mirror is an old friend.” – George Herbert (That one was for you Annes! 🙂 )

“A friend is someone who knows everything about you and loves you anyway.” – ??

“Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.” – Albert Camus

Raindrops are falling on my head
and just like the guy who's feet are too big for his bed,
nothing seems to fit
those,
raindrops are falling on my head,they keep falling

so I just did me some talking to the sun,
and I said I didn't like the way he got things done,
sleeping on the job
those,
raindrops are falling on my head they keep falling

But there's one thing, I know
the blues they sent to meet me won't defeat me.
It won't be long 'till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red.
Crying's not for me, cause
I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
because I'm free
nothing's worrying me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep falling on my head
but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red
crying 's not for me
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining
because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me

I need Butch Cassidy to come take me on a bicycle ride. 😀

Tonight I went swing dancing for the first time ever! It was so much fun! Sheryl, Joshua and I went and met up with Crystal. Joshua and Crystal had been but Sheryl and I never had. We went early for the lesson. That was interesting. Helpful but interesting.

Don and Cheryl Bartemus were there with another couple from CPC. Watching them dance was absolutely adorable.

I danced with sooooo many guys. Joshua and I danced a few times too. That was fun. 🙂 (Thanks bro!) It was kinda hard to get used to so many different people’s styles but I don’t think I did too horrid. They were all very understanding. One guy spun me so much I was still reeling when I got back to the table. He was good and the second time I danced with him went better than the first but I was still dizzy. lol.

Swing dancing is definitely the kind of dance that you want a regular partner for. Because if you dance with the same person a lot, you get to know their rythmn, their patterns, which moves they really like. You begin to recognize body language and you can anticipate where they’re going to go. That would make it a lot easier and I think more fun too. I would love to do something like ‘Shall We Dance?’ and go to competitions. Maybe someday. 🙂

And I could make some spiritual connection about dancing but my brain is fried and I need to get to bed. 🙂 So no deep thoughts tonight. Sweet dreams all!