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Crystal’s post Don’t Make Me Get Ghetto truly made my day!

I love you, white girl! 😉

And let’s hear it for Eric Anderson! I *knew* you had soul in you!

So Mikayla and I were watching ‘Blue’s Clues’ and Blue and Steve go thru this little door and end up in the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So I say, “It’s the pot of gold!” to which Mikayla replies, “No, it’s chocolate.” We keep watching and a few seconds later, Steve says, “It’s the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!” So I turn to Mikayla and (in keeping with my inner two-year-old) say, “Told ya.” Then Steve says, “Wait, it’s not gold. It’s chocolate!” And Mikayla turns to her 21-year-old sister and says……

“I told you so!!!!!!!”

LOL! I half expected her to say, “What now?!” and do the whole finger snap thing that Andy’s been trying to teach me. 😀

If I have children, I will not tell them they are fat.

If I have children, I will not yell at them for leaving lights/tvs/radios on and then do the same myself.

If I have children, I will not chastise them for accidently re-washing towels two days after they’ve been washed.

If I have children, I will not bad mouth my spouse to them. Their parents are sinners and they will soon enough see our shortcomings.

If I have children, I will not allow them to act as the go-between when my spouse and I are fighting.

If I have children, when they are grown, I will not ask them to do for me what I am not willing to do for them.

If I have children, I will not say that I support their decisions and then act otherwise.

If I have children, I will not take out my anger at other things on them.

If I have children, I will not hold their mistakes over their heads, thereby teaching them to do it to others.

If I have children, I will tell them I love them and then show it in my actions.

If I have children, I will help them achieve their dreams in any way I can.

If I have children, I will encourage them to take risks.

If I have children, I will encourage them to be generous.

If I have children, I will teach them that all people are created equal, regardless of sex, race, religion, social standing, or political affiliation.

If I have children, I will tell them that they are worthy of love and that anyone who treats them differently isn’t worth their time.

If I have children, I will teach them to have respect for themselves and for others.

If I have children, I will teach them to find wonder and joy in the small things, even after they’ve grown.

If I have children, I will teach them that it’s not about how much money you have. It’s about how you use what you have.

If I have children, I will teach them to love God and to love others.

If I have children, I will pray that they realize that I am human and am doing the best I can. And when I do mess up, I will pray that they forgive me and that I don’t completely screw them up for life. 🙂

x your confessions:

[x] I’m afraid of the quiet. (Well, not afraid. Silence is not golden though.)
[X] I am really ticklish.
[X] I’m afraid of the dark. (Only when I wake up from one of my nightmares.)
[]I’m afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.
[] I am homosexual.
[X] I believe in true love. (Depends on your definition.)
[] I listen to political music.
[] I collect comic books.
[X] I shut others out when I’m sad. (*whistles*)
[] I open up to others easily.
[] I am keeping a secret from the world. (Well, I *was*!)
[X] I watch the news. (Only in the morning at work.)
[] I own over 5 rap CDs
[]I own something from Hot Topic.
[X] I love Disney movies.
[] I am a sucker for green eyes.
[] I don’t kill bugs.
[X] I curse regularly.
[] I have (had) “x”s in my screen name.
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a real conversation. (Haha! Almost)
[] I love Spam.
[X] I bake well.
[X] I have worn pajamas to class.
[] I have owned something from Abercrombie.
[X] I have a job.
[] I love Dr. Phil
[X] I love someone.
[]I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[X] I am self-conscious.
[X] I love to laugh.
[X] I have tried alcohol. (Not just tried……)
[] I drink alcohol on a regular basis.
[X] I have tried a cigarette.
[] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[] I loved Lord of the Flies.
[] I have cough drops when I’m not sick.
[X] I can’t swallow pills.
[X] I have many scars. (Emotional. Not physical.)
[x] I’ve been out of this country.
[X] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room. (Sleep?! I can’t *move*!)
[X] I love chocolate.
[] I bite my nails.
[X] I am comfortable with being me all of the time
[X] I play computer games when I’m bored.
[X] Gotten lost in the city. (Only b/c my “navigators” didn’t tell me where to go!)
[x] Seen a shooting star
[] Had a serious surgery.
[X] Gone out in public in your pajamas.
[] Have kissed a stranger.
[] Hugged a stranger.
[] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of the same sex.
[] Been in a fist fight.
[] Been arrested.
[] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose.
[] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[] Made out in an elevator. (Not yet…. 😉 )
[X] Swore at your parents. (Not at them. In front of them.)
[]Kicked a guy where it hurts. (Tempted……severely…..)
[] Been skydiving.
[] Been bungee jumping.
[] Gotten stitches.
[] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[] Bitten someone.
[X] Been to Niagara Falls.
[X] Gotten the chicken pox.
[] Crashed into a car.
[X] Been to Japan.
[]Ridden in a taxi
[] Been fired.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[] Stole something from your job.
[] Gone on a blind date.
[] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[] Been to Europe.
[] Slept with a co-worker.
[] Been married.
[] Gotten divorced.
[] Saw someone/something dying.
[X]Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[X] Been to Canada.
[X] Been On A Plane
[] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[] Thrown up in a bar.
[X] Eaten Sushi.
[] Been snowboarding.
[] Been skiing.
[X]Been ice skating.
[X] Cried in public. (‘The Little Mermaid’ I was 4. 😉 )
[] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.
[X] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn’t have.
[]Kissed in the rain.

A- Age of your first kiss: Never! 😉
B- Band you are listening to right now: Peace and Quiet. Heard of ’em? lol.
C- Crush: *rolls eyes*
D- Dad’s name: Bill
E- Easiest person to talk to: My “family”
F- Favorite ice cream: something with lots of chocolate
G- Gummy worms or gummy bears? worms
H- Hometown: There’s more then corn……where?
I- Instruments: piano, flute, voice, some drums
J- Junior high: Grace Learning Academy of Discipleship
K- Kids: not yet, thank the Lord
L- Longest car ride: I dunno. Annie, how long did it take us to get to McMaster?
M- Mom’s name: Kim
N- Nicknames: La, Sunshine, Ladybug, Baby, Lori
O- One wish: to be free
P- Phobia: spiders and heights
Q- Quote: I have to narrow it down to one?! “It’s not who you are underneath. It’s what you do that defines you.” – Batman Begins
R- Reason to smile: I am loved
S- Song you sang last: Good is Good – Sheryl Crow
T- Time you woke up today: 6:00
U- Unknown fact about me: Unknown? Uh……I want a kitten?
V- Vegetable[s] you hate: Spinich, asparagus
W- Worst habit: Unknowingly being a jerk
X- X-rays you’ve had: jaw and back
Y – Years since you’ve been to church: Years? How about days? 3
Z- Zodiac sign: Libra

Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to pretend that everything is ok. I don’t want to figure out how to function normally when everything hurts inside. I’m sick of fighting. I’m sick of living in fear. I’m sick of living. I’m sick of taking things day by day. I just want it to be fixed.

I just want to be normal! I want to be able to love and be loved. I want to be able to give and receive affection. I want to be able to hug people without feeling panic.

I want to hit someone or throw something or scream or run. I don’t want to act my age and like I have things together. I want to be allowed to be a mess for a while. I want to curl up in a ball and hide under my covers forever. I don’t feel safe. I don’t know how to feel safe. I’m sick of not knowing who I can trust. I’m sick of there being lingering suspicion with every person I meet.

I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t usually remember my dreams. I’m sure that I do. All the doctors and psychologists say that you dream. You just might not remember. I wonder if this isn’t some form of God’s mercy on me.

The dreams that I do remember are usually scary. There was one time when I woke up ready to scream. I don’t remember anything specific about the dream but I know it was from the pits of Hell. There was blackness and fire and demons. I woke up covered in sweat and shaking.

More recently I had one of those dreams where you think you’re still awake because you see yourself as you were before you drifted off. I was in my bed and there was a *huge* black spider over my bed. I didn’t fully wake up until I was across the room and had the light turned on, frantically looking around for the lead of ‘Arachnophobia’. (I blame that dream on certain friends who, once they discovered my fear, decided to tease and taunt me about it every chance they could get. *glares at said “friends”*)

Last night’s nightmare was a kicker though. I thought that these were done. I hadn’t had one in months. Apparently the “fun” is to continue though. I’m not sure what all prompted it. I do know that before we left for Jillians, somehow the fact that *he* is married came up. That was probably what triggered it. (Family of mine, we need to have the burning ceremony soon.) Any thoughts of him can trigger these dreams. I may have been having them and mercifully not remembering.

I don’t remember any specifics. It’s more a feeling now. I just remember being scared. I remember feeling like I was 16-years-old again. I remember feeling his hands traveling up and down my body, going where they shouldn’t, taking what wasn’t theirs. I remember feeling used. I remember feeling like nothing more then a sex object. There was no love in his touch. Only lust. Only possessiveness. I remember freezing and feeling my body going numb. And I remember I started shaking before I even woke up. It started in my legs and worked its way up my body until I was shaking uncontrollably.

I think that’s what woke me up. My eyes flew open and I gasped and everything was shaking. And I couldn’t stop. I felt like I was convulsing and I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I couldn’t breathe. Everything hurt. Everything was twitching and spasming. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. I wanted to scream but couldn’t. I wanted to run but couldn’t. All I could do was shake and beg God to make it stop.

I finally got to where I could breathe and took deep breaths, trying to calm my system. I would think that I was getting myself under control and then I’d start shuddering again. Finally though, it stopped. (My body was still numb though. I couldn’t really feel anything.) And I just held still and breathed. In and out. Trying to find some sense of control. But it was gone.

So now I’m mad. I felt like I was making so much progress. No nightmares, barely any thoughts of him, I was getting more used to being touched and not cringing or pulling away, less fear. But now I’m back at square one. I can’t stand being touched. Even today when I was hugging the Broaddus’ good-bye, my heart was thudding and I wanted to pull away. And these are people that I know love me. But everything was stiff and I found myself going back into survival mode. I took myself out of my body and concentrated on anything else. Because that’s what you do when your body is being used against your will. You seperate your mind from your body. There is no “in the moment”. There is no enjoying sensations for what they are. Because that’s how you survive. It’s a defense mechanism and I will gladly hide behind it right now.

So if you see me, please don’t initiate touch. That is not the way to show me love right now. It is physically painful for me to be touched. And if you do touch me, please don’t be offended if I pull away or snatch my hand away or whatever. It’s probably not you. I need time. I need to figure out how to get past this. Because I don’t want to be like this. I want to be able to accept a hug without becoming stiff as a board. I want to be able to cuddle. I want to be able to hold someones hand or let them put their arm around me. And someday, I want to be able to be touched by my husband and not have all these bad feelings rushing through me. But that’s not where I am right now.

I’m angry that a dream did this to me. Of all things. But it did. And now I have to figure out how to get past it.

Wow. Yesterday was quite possibly the most insane day of my life.

The fun actually started on Thursday for me. The dear people I work for gave me the day off as my birthday present. (Paid!) So I got to sleep in! I was beyond excited about this.  I had a doctor’s appt. at 2:40 so Joshua and I followed Dad over there. (They were going straight to basketball so I had to drive seperately.) I never want to follow my dad thru downtown and on the interstate in the rain again! I swear I thought I was gonna get pulled over. I have decided that I’ve found my true calling: stunt driving. *nods* After the moves I had to pull to keep up with him weaving in and out of traffic, I think I could do it.

After we were done at the doctors, I went to CVS and bought hair dye. I wanted to get the red highlites from the summer out of my hair and go darker. They didn’t have the color dye I usually get to I bought one a little darker. Unfortunately, there are many downsides to having hair as long as mine. It gets caught in stuff, I’m always leaning against it, and I can’t dye it by myself. Long story short, I missed a couple of spots and had to re-dye it with Nicole’s help. (Bless her little heart!) The first time, the results had been pretty darn dark. With a second “coating”, my hair is *black*! I always thought Mikayla’s hair was dark. My hair is darker then hers.  Oh well. I wanted it black for Halloween anyway. I just did it earlier then I planned.

After we dyed my hair, Nicole’s cousin Christina called and we went to hang out with her for a bit. We decided to go to Hooters and see what all the fuss was about. I was less than impressed. Their keylime pie is good though! And our waitress was very sweet. I wanted to put more clothes on her and take her home and take care of her. 🙂

That night, Sally got home (brought me chocolate! She knows how to secure my love!) and took the boys to her sisters and went to pick up Sheryl. We got ready to go, Ro arrived, and Sally and Sheryl got there. We then waited for Marcia to get there. By the time we were all ready, it was 7:00. The time we were supposed to be there. lol. Oh well. No one in our group is known for being prompt so it worked out ok. I did keep getting people calling my cell though, wondering where we were. We narrowly avoided being caught in ridiculous traffic on the interstate, which would have made us even more late.

We got there and everyone was standing around talking and then we went upstairs to check out the arcade. I got out of being humiliated at pool due to it being mad, crazy expensive. So Nicole, Craig, Craig’s friend Drew and I went upstairs to bowl instead. The only thing worse then my bowling skills are my pool skills. I don’t know who won but it wasn’t me. Then we went down to dinner. Nicole, Craig and Drew took off and hung out with my cousin and brother downtown. Jenn, Andy and Hannah also took off. I was sad to see them go but I understood. Dinner was expensive. (Fortunately, the five of us who had birthdays that we were celebrating got ours free!)

Dinner was so much fun. The guy cooked our food right in front of us. (And….threw……….us……) He had me get up with him and I had to put eggs on the spatula, toss them in the air and slice them on the spatula on the way down. I got it on my second try!  A couple times I got transported back to jr. high as food fights broke out. Sheryl also had to get up and “cook” for us. 😀 Then the five of us who had birthdays all got pulled away from the table and we had to sit in chairs. They handed each of us a piece of cake and told us that we had 60 seconds to eat the entire thing. But we couldn’t use our hands. And if we didn’t finish, we would get the cake shoved in our faces. None of us managed to finish but there was chocolate and whipped cream everywhere! Then I somehow managed to get volunteered for something else. Some alcoholic drinks have very interesting names and that is all I will say on the matter. That and I’m glad Ben backed out at the last second. 😉

After dinner, a couple more people took off and the rest of us headed upstairs to the dance floor. That was a lot of fun. (Unless pictures start circulating, I don’t know anything about pole dancing, girl-on-girl dancing or my big sister buying me my first shot of tequila.) All I will say is tequila is no ones friend. (And that it is absolutely *disgusting*!) After we danced for a bit, we went into the bowling area. Sheryl, Marcia and Ro bowled while the rest of us watched. By this time, my head was spinning a bit so I ended up just laying across Jon’s lap while the girls bowled. (Ok, so maybe tequila isn’t *no ones* friend. 😉 )

After we were done bowling, we decided to call it a night. As it was, we didn’t get home until 1:00.

All in all, it was a really fun night. I will say that the only reason I allowed alcohol in my system is I knew that I was safe and with friends. If I had been on my own or with people I didn’t trust, I wouldn’t have let my senses become impaired. Alcohol can be fun but it can also be very dangerous. As it was, I didn’t like not feeling totally in control of myself. So this is our take home lesson kids. 🙂 But as long as there are no pictures, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I boiled water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m not a failure in the kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀

(Been teased about this a long, long time!)

Happy birthday Sheryl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re the best big sister I never had! 😀

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