There are days when I wish that I could just erase my memory and start from scratch. I feel like everything I’ve ever been taught is wrong. I know that’s not really the case. There is truth in areas. But a lot of it…….yeah, I just want to trash it all.

I wanted to come at this from a completely different perspective. When I became a Christian, it was with 15 years of being in church, sunday school and youth group under my belt. I may not have listened well but I did hear things. Things that are now tripping me up and causing me undue grief and stress. I wanted to come at this as someone who had never heard anything about Jesus or the church or any of it. Because I knew that things would trip me up. There are things that are so ingrained in me, I don’t know if I can ever “unlearn” them fully.

I wish I could just wipe the slate clean. But I can’t. Arguments from the past always rear their ugly little heads. Things that I’ve thought were truth turn out to be someone’s misconstrued ideas. But then, why should that surprise me? If I still believed everything those people told me, I’d believe that I was a trampy, good-for-nothing-but-sex slut. And I did believe it for a long, long time. I still do sometimes. Ooooh, and if those people knew the things that I believe now! I can only begin to imagine the disapproving looks. The frowns. The outright glares. Then again, that wouldn’t be so different from what I’ve received all along.

My “always on the bad list” syndrome has infected more of my life than I ever thought possible. Every area, in fact. Convinced that I was in the wrong and feeling powerless to stop it. Bombarded by messages from every side. “It’s ok.” “It’s not ok.” “You deserve it.” “You’re worthless and this makes you more worthless.” “You are bound by this and you will never be free.”

Well, I am free! Maybe not completely. But a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I’ve stumbled and I’ve made mistakes. I know I’m not completely innocent. And I take responsibility for my actions. Yes, I was given conflicting messages. I was taught wrong in a lot of areas. The same people who were supposed to be loving me and guiding me were the ones who were making me feel like I was nothing. But that doesn’t excuse the fault on my part. I can’t completely play victim in this. But Jesus said that you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. If this is really and truly the truth, then I am free! I am free indeed! 😀

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