I’m too young to be this bitter and cynical. I am 21 freaking years old! How did I get to this place? I’m supposed to be in my senior year of college, maybe dating, happy, well adjusted (whatever that means!), plans of getting out of my parents house, finding a job that I like. I am not supposed to be stumbling through life. I’m not supposed to have no idea what I want or how to get there.

I truly don’t know what I want. I want a degree but I hate school. And I don’t know what I would major in if I did return. Psychology, as much as I love it, is not practical. I don’t even know if I want to be married some day or not. I think. Maybe. Do I even want kids? All that requires trust and love and openness and vulnerability and a willingness to be touched and give affection. That. Scares. Me. There is one thing I know. I don’t want to be stuck as a nanny or working at CFA the rest of my life. No way! So, I need to get a degree. But what do I major in?! I may just have to do business, which scares me too. I don’t have the head for that stuff.

I think I want to be married without actually being married. I want the safety and security that comes with a husband minus…..the husband. Except for the rare occasion that I need to be held. Then I’ll give him a call. 🙂 But that’s just me being selfish. And scared.

I assume that A: people will tire of me, so let’s just speed up the process or B: they don’t really love me, they’re just using me and eventually they’ll show their true colors and I’ll figure out what they really want.

Yes, I realize I’m probably crazy. But keep in mind this is how I’ve been treated so it’s what I expect. Somewhere down deep, deep, deep inside, I know this isn’t true of you guys. And there are occasions that I can actually remind myself of this and not be a jerk. I have to learn how to trust people. Even when they hurt or disappoint me. Because we’re all fallen, stupid humans. We all have this disease called sin and we all screw up.

But I keep swinging back and forth. One day I’m secure in your love, the next I’m distant and distrustful. One day I think I know what I want, the next I’m as lost as a sheep. So yes, further proof that I’m screwed up. I don’t know what I want in any area of my life. Friends, work, school, dating, family. My only half-way secure point is Christ. And lately even that hasn’t felt so secure. I feel like I’m flailing about in this massive ocean and I don’t know which way is up. Or if I even want to come up. Some days it seems easier just to let myself drown. But I don’t. Even when I’m not sure why, there’s something that keeps me from just completely giving up. Is it the Holy Spirit? Maybe.

I feel like such a hypocrite. My faith is based on hope and yet I don’t want to hope. Hopes are dashed and shattered. It’s based on love but some days I think I don’t believe in love. Lust, yes. Lust for power, for money, for fame, for flesh. I’ve seen the evil that comes from those and I hate it. But believing in the alternative scares me. Because I’m afraid that it too will be taken away.

I believe, Lord Jesus. Help Thou my unbelief.

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