You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2005.

Dang it! My sis is always a step ahead of me in these things. I go to post a random blog, she’s already done, I go to post about 2005 and she’s got it. Guess I’m following in my big sister’s footsteps. 🙂

Major events of 2005

* My first full year with no Chick-fil-A. (Well, working there anyway. 😉 ) I am one of the few who has made it out and stayed out.

* I went to and withdrew from IWU after a month. lol. (I didn’t say this was a list of accomplishments!)

* Things in my faith continued to make some major shifts. I continued to be active in Teknon.

* I began figuring out what had happened in high school and began to deal with it.

* I met Andy. Jenn and I started hanging out with him and Josh. Andy and Jenn are now getting married this coming June!!!! 😀

* I became part of a Bible study on Mondays that, even though it didn’t last long, had a lasting impact on my life.

* After four months without a job, I became a nanny. (Yeah, yeah. Cue the theme song.) 🙂

* I went on the final Teknon retreat. (Lent Rich my fleece blanket. 😉 )

* The Dwelling Place began meeting after Teknon ended.

* I finished up my year as a youth sponsor for College Park.

* I finished my last year in the Spirit and Truth choir.

* I saw my family that I hadn’t seen in 3 years.

* Hannah and I traveled to Florida and did everything on our own. (Laugh if you want, we’re quite pleased with ourselves. 🙂 )

* I turned 21 (finally!)

* I got my wisdom teeth out!

* My grandfather died, which led to me getting to see the other side of my family that I hadn’t seen in longer then 3 years.

Well, drat. That’s a depressing thing to end on but that was pretty much the last major event of the year. (Unless something earth-shattering happens in the next 10 hours.) Oh well.

Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!

In light of the list made by Jon, here is a Girls vs. Women list. It’s not complete. The sub-trinity is collaborating to complete it. 😉

Girls vs. Women

1. Girls ask how they look every five minutes. Women are confident enough to know they look good and smart enough to know if it truly matters.

2. Girls are needy and clingy. Women are independent and have interests outside of you.

3. Girls freak out if you don’t return a phone call. Women are rational and realize that things happen and life is unpredictable. And if you’re truly just not returning her calls, she knows you’re not worth her time.

4. Girls dress provocatively to gain attention. Women can be sexy no matter what they’re wearing.

5. Girls need to have every guy like them, even if they don’t like him. Women know that they aren’t everyone’s type.

6. Girls get their friends to find out if you like them. Women just ask.

7. If you piss them off, girls blog about it and tell all their friends. Women decide whether it’s really worth being pissed over and if it is, they talk to you about it.

8. Girls look to blame everyone but themselves for their shortcomings. Women own up to their mistakes and work to fix them.

9. Girls gossip and speak badly of other girls behind their backs in order to make themselves look good. Women don’t feel threatened by other women and can even sincerely agree when you compliment another woman.

10. Girls are catty and throw each other under a bus to get a guy. Women stand back a minute and know that if you choose the dumb bimbo over her, you aren’t as smart as you look.

11. Girls expect you to read their minds. Women are upfront and honest.

12. Girls take rejection as an insult and plot to make you jealous. Again, women realize that they aren’t everyone’s type and that it’s not a personal attack.

13. Girls bring up your past mistakes in arguments, even the ones you’ve apologized for. Women deal with the problem at hand and know to let things go.

14. Girls create drama and demand that they are the center of attention. Women realize that life has enough drama of it’s own and they cherish the “boring” moments.

15. Girls are in constant need of rescuing. Women can discern when it’s time for them to be the hero.

16. Girls compare you to other men. Women appreciate each man for his unique qualities and characteristics.

More to come…..

My dear friend Jon posted this blog on his xanga tonight. I’m going to post his list of Boys vs. Men but ya’ll should go read the rest of what he has to say. (Esp. the guys!) He’s a wise man, even if he doesn’t know it. 😉 If you guys want someone other than a dumb Barbie (with the supposedly perfect body that you think will stay that way), I suggest you pay close attention to this list. And ladies, this is what to look for in a potential husband. Bible Study Babes, remember everything we learned in 5 Aspects? We didn’t learn this. 🙂

Boys vs. Men

1. Boys will drop a pick up line on you and grin at their own cleverness, a man can flirt without showing off.

2. Boys like fart jokes and everything about them, men like the jokes too, but they don’t feel the need to act them out for you.

3. Boys hold onto fantasy women ideas and hold torches without ever being able to ask the person out, a man knows that everyone is flawed and will ask her out anyway.

4. Boys take rejection as a personal attack, a man realizes that he isn’t going to be attractive to everyone and that she may just not be in a place to be dating.

5. Boys try to take what isn’t their’s to have, a man works to have what he values.

6. Boys yell, argue, and fight, a man is calm and walks away from trouble when he can.

7. Boys hit, men hold. (L – A-frickin’-men!)

8. Boys say hurtful things to denegrate and diminish others, a man builds others up and is quick to compliment.

9. Boys bitch and moan about problems, a man prays and asks for help when he needs it.

10. Boys hold their pride or rep in the highest regard, a man knows that having a good name is worth more than gold.

11. Boys take the easy road out of any trouble, a man faces the consequences of his actions and does the right thing.

12. Boys cheat, a man knows that a good woman is the greatest of blessings from God in this life and puts her before himself. (L – For those of you who need a Bible verse for everything, go look in Proverbs.)

13. Boys run from trouble, a man handles his responsibilities.

14. Boys look for you to take care of them, a man looks for you to take care of each other.

15. Boys can’t maintain eye contact, a man can look into your eyes and let you know how attractive you are without a word.

16. Boys look for hot chicks, a man knows that every woman is beautiful in her own way.

17. Boys have to top your story with a better one of their own, a man asks you questions and lets you be the center of attention.

18. Boys are all about me, men are all about you.

19. Boys go to the game, or play X-Box when their kids come over for the weekend, a man helps with homework and plays Candyland.

20. Boys boast, men deliver.

Jesus, I’ve forgotten the words that You have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim
With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom
Forgive me for my unbelief, renew the fire again

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy on me.
(Repeat)

I have built an altar where I worship things of man
I taken journeys that have drawn me far from You
Now I am returning to Your mercies ever flowing
Pardon my transgressions, help me love You again

(Chorus)

I have longed to know You and Your tender mercies
Like a river of forgiveness ever flowing without end
I bow my heart before You in the goodness of Your presence
Your grace forever shining like a beacon in the night

(Chorus)

Forgive my stupidity and weakness.

I have no life. (Of course, the fact that I took the time to fill this out should atest to that!)

Supposedly if you’ve seen over 70 you have no life.

( ) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
(x) The Mexican
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
( ) Airplane
Section 1: 7/10

(x) The Princess Bride
(x) Young Frankenstien
(x) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Saw
(x) White Noise
(x) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
( ) Jason X
Section 2: 8/10

(x) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
(x) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) Harry Potter
Section 3: 3/10

( ) Harry Potter 2
( ) Harry Potter 3
( ) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
( ) Donnie Darko
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Section 4: 4/10

(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
( ) 13 Ghosts
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(x) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) Thirteen Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
Section 5: 8/10

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
Section 6: 7/10

(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) the Terminal
(x) the Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Halloween
(x) The Ring
Section 7: 5/10

( ) The Ring 2
( ) Harold & Kumar Get the Munchies
(x) Practical magic
(x) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
Section 8: 6/10

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child’s Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
( ) Coach Carter
(x) Bad Boys
Section 9: 5/10

( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(x) Se7en
(x) Oceans eleven
(x ) Ocean’s Twelve
(x)Bourne Identity
( ) Lone Star
(x )Bedazzled
( )Predator I
( ) Predator II
Section 10: 5/10

(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
(x)My Boss’ daughter.
(x) Frailty
Section 11: 4/10

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She’s All That
(x) Calendar girls
(x) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
Section 12: 7/10

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
( ) The Others
(x) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) Cruel Intentions
( )The Hot Chick
Section 13: 4/10

(x) Swimfan
(x) Miracle
(x) Old School
(x) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(x) Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
Section 14: 8/10

(x) Hitch
( ) The Fifth Element
(x) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(x) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(x) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi…
( ) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
Section 15: 7/10

(x) Air Force One
(x) For Richer or Poorer
( ) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
(x) Sound of Music
(x) Parent Trap 1 (old)
(x) Parent Trap 2 (new)
( ) The Burbs
(x) The Terminator
Section 16: 6/10

( ) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
(x) Meet Joe Black
(x) Nightmare Before Christmas
( ) The Silence of the Lambs
(x) Sleepy Hollow
( ) I Heart Huckabees
( ) 24 Hour Party People
( ) Blood In Blood Out
( ) The Virgin Suicides
Section 17: 3/10

Total score: 97

Broken – 1/15/05

I am hurt

I am broken

I don’t want to trust You

I am tired

I am weary

What more can I do?

You said that You would save me

You said You would be there

So why, when I need You, can’t I find You anywhere?

I can’t trust

I can’t risk

The space to be real

I’m out of faith

It hurts too much

Too much for You to heal

You said that You would save me

You said You would be there

So why, when I need You, can’t I find you anywhere?

You ask that I lift my hands

That’s something I cannot do

Because lifting up my hands, means trusting in You

I want to blame You, I want to hate You, I want to run from You

I want to be blamed, I want to love You, I want safety in You

I am hurt

I am broken

*******************************
As much as I fought getting a xanga, I’m so glad that I did. I’m horrible about journaling but this has been my journal. My outlet. It’s interesting to go back and read old entries, see where I was. And even though it’s been a little over a year, so much has changed.

I wrote this song while I was reading ‘Stumbling Toward Faith’. Something in that book was resonating with my heart. I just didn’t know what. My head and heart were so conflicted. I didn’t trust my memory, my mind, my feelings. Everything had been shut down and locked away for so long. I didn’t have a name for what had happened. I just knew that something had. I knew that something had taken away my ability to love, to trust, to allow myself to be loved. Even by my Father. I walked around full of fear. I felt like I was drowning and that no one could hear my screams. No one could see the pain in my eyes. The pain that I didn’t even know the cause of.

I finally worked up the courage to look up the definition. There it was, in black and white. I could no longer deny it. I could no longer hide it or hide from it. I had to face it. Because I knew that it was coming between me and my ability to live.

Even though I thought I had no farther down to go, I was wrong. Hiding from it was easy compared to facing it. Facing it took (and is taking) strength that I myself cannot claim. Facing your fears is never fun. But the freedom of conquering them has got to be worth it, right?

I saw him last week. I was innocently sitting in the dr’s office and out into the waiting area he walks. Everything slammed into me at once. “It’s him! Run! No, you’re safe. He’s talking to you. Smile. Be polite. “Congratulations on your marriage.” There, that was good. Don’t scream. Get up and walk into the other room. Don’t run. Stay calm. He can’t hurt you. He won’t hurt you. He’s changed. God, I hope he’s changed.”

Is it completely sick and twisted that I had the thought, “Crap, I look horrid!”? Maybe. But I guess I just wanted him to see me looking ok. And it’s my pride, I know. He’s married and working and I’m assuming doing well. I’m……..not. I don’t want him to know the pain he’s caused. Because that makes me weak. I wanted to be able to look him in the eye and say, “You didn’t destroy me. I’m still standing. And I’m ok.” Maybe someday I will be able to.

But there was progress. Sure, my stomach still dropped and my heart still stopped. But I think there will always be an element of that. I don’t know if you’re ever completely “over” something like that. Or if you just get to the point where it’s a little easier to bear. The sting isn’t so sharp, the memories aren’t so vivid, the nightmares aren’t so frequent. I think I’m getting to that point. Slowly.

But this song……I still want to put it to music. (I wish I was better at that.) It’s on my list of things to accomplish before I’m 25. But there isn’t the pain that accompanied those words I wrote in January. The pain isn’t completely gone. But it isn’t overwhelming. I’m not drowning in it anymore. My view of God has changed since then. I’m not angry with Him anymore. I don’t feel like screaming “Why?!” and pounding my fist into the wall and throwing my Bible across the room. I’m ok. I’m stronger and smarter then I would have been. And maybe, just maybe, this hasn’t damaged my capacity to love a guy in “that” way. Not for good. 🙂

For those of you who have walked along this path with me, thank you. I know that my mood swings were crazy and my fears were many and my tears were hard and my heart was cold. I also know that this journey isn’t over. But that’s ok too. Because I know that I have you guys to journey with me. If you didn’t leave me during my really crazy moments, I think I’m safe. 😉 I’m not saying that everything is completely resolved in my heart. I might still have days where I think men are scum and I just want to rant and cry and scream. But those days are getting fewer and farther between. There’s a peace with the situation that hasn’t been there in the past. Thank goodness for my Rapha (Healer). Because of you and because of Him, I’m not quite so broken.

“Someday somebody’s going to ask you a question that you should say yes to.” 😀

If I don’t fix this mess called my hair soon, I’m going to have a ring of blonde around my head.

Not a good look.

Not that the current look is good. I just haven’t cared enough to fix it. Plus I wanted to give my poor hair a break. Dye, dye, bleach, strip, dye. Though I’m slightly amused by the idea of having my own personal halo, I keep getting weird looks. I either need to start dressing punk so that people think I meant to do this or I need to get my hair fixed. I thinking fixing my hair might be cheaper. 😉

So hopefully “rainbow brite” will soon be no more! 🙂 Until then, thank goodness for hats!

…..I post this a lot. But I love this story. ‘Jesus of Nazareth’ was on the History Channel on Christmas and right after we opened presents, the scene with the adulteress came on. I always see myself in the face of that woman. Fear of condemnation. Fear of death. Confusion at not being stoned. Relief in being forgiven. Love for the One Who forgave her. I post this story because it’s a reminder to me. No matter how far I fall, I am loved and forgiven.

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus decalred. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

John 8:3-11

Blessings and courage!

So I was driving home  listening to the radio as I drove. My station is pretty much stuck at 92.3 (unless I’m riding with other people who mess with it……) and I was pleasently surprised to hear them still playing music. A lot of the time, somewhere around 9:00 or so, they stop playing music and do talk shows.

Let me say this now: I *hate* talk radio.

Anyway, I’m driving along listening to these nice little Christmas songs. Then I realize something. These songs ain’t so nice. This ain’t Rudolph’s red nose and Frosty the Snowman stuff. This is Santa pimpin!

The first song was a female singer trying to intice Santa to do some things that would get *him* put on the naughty list! Talking about stay a little longer and forget about the sleigh and make my house your last stop. Uh, lady, you do realize you’re singing about a fat old man who jiggles like a bowl full of jelly, right? That doesn’t say “ooh baby, take me now!” to me.

The next song was by, of all people, Bing Crosby! He was calling himself the “backdoor Santa”, saying that he kept all the ladies happy while their husbands were at work. He even brought some money to keep the kids quiet.

Whoa!

We have come sooooo far from the supposed “reason for the season”. I know that Christmas is actually based on pagan holidays and traditions and that Jesus’ really wasn’t born on December 25th. I know all that. Even so, what happened to the kind old grandfatherly type Santa Clause who’s cheeks were rosey and who gave presents to the good boys and girls? What happened to leaving out milk and cookies and finding joy in the simple things of the holiday? What even happened to taking the time to read Luke 2 at *some* point during the day? (Though I’m beginning to wonder if we shouldn’t just separate Christmas from Jesus’ birth anyway and set that aside for the time of year we actually think it might have been.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is, when the crap did Christmas become about seducing Santa?! But maybe this is just me asking non-Christians to think like Christians or something. I don’t know. All I know is Santa better just leave the gifts under the tree and get the hell out my house! 😉

“In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”
When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”
So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told…….And the child grew and became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon him.” Luke 2:1-20, 40

“Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.” Isaiah 7:14

And lest we forget the reason God humbled Himself and became like us…….

“Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed? He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. By oppression and judgment he was taken away. And who can speak of his descendants? For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgressions of my people he was stricken. He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth. Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities. Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.” Isaiah 53