Sheryl, Jon and I went to see ‘King Kong’ tonight. Here is a summary. (Lucky for us, there were about 3 other people in the theater and they were making comments too.)

Movie starts. Little monkey appears on screen.

Jon: He’s a lot smaller then I expected.

A bunch of men funding Jack Black’s movie are sitting in a room.

Me: Sheryl, isn’t that the guy from Dr. Quinn?

Sheryl: That’s what I was about to ask you!

Jon: Dr. Quinn?

Jack Black talks Naomi Watts into being in his movie.

Me: There’s a trustworthy guy.

Jon: What could possibly go wrong?

Naomi is doing the “preparing what I’m going to say to this person that I’m nervous about talking to in front of the mirror” bit.

Me: Do girls really do this?

Sheryl: I dunno. I don’t.

Me: Me either.

Jon: Don’t look at me. I’ve never been a girl.

Naomi “runs” to the front of the boat wearing an evening dress.

Me: I’m flying Jack, I’m flying!

Sheryl: You jump, I jump. Remember?

Noami is taken by Kong and whipped around like a rag doll.

Me: Her neck would have snapped by now.

Jon: You’re expecting realism from a movie about a giant monkey.

Adrian Brody is rounding up the troops.

Sheryl: I just don’t see Adrian Brody as the hero in this.

Jon: Me either.

Me: He ain’t exactly Indiana Jones.

The “search and rescue” group is getting ready to head out.

Sheryl: There are an awful lot of guns on that ship.

The “search and rescue” group sets off to find Naomi.

Jon: How many of the cast members do you bet are listed as “monkey chow” in the credits?

The “search and rescue” group runs into dinosaurs.

Me: We’ve gone from Titanic to Jurassic Park.

Stampede of dinosaurs ensues and ends with them all tripping and falling over each other.

Sheryl: Not the most graceful bunch.

Kong is fighting off dinosaurs to save Naomi.

Me: About this time she’s probably thinking, “I should’ve gone with the porn star thing.”

Kong kills the black guy.

Jon: I guessed wrong.

The “search and rescue” group fights off *huge* bugs.

Jon: There’re your spiders!

Me: Is everything on this island on some sort of miracle grow diet?

Jon: I told you. It’s monster island.

The asian guy is killed.

Sheryl: Apparently you have to be caucasian to survive this movie.

Naomi points to herself when describing “beautiful” to Kong.

Jon: Somebody’s full of herself.

Me: Has anybody else noticed that she’s spent half the movie wet and half dressed?

Sheryl: She’s dry now.

Me: Just wait. It won’t last.

Adrian is attempting to rescue Naomi.

Jon: Don’t worry. If you’re ever taken by a giant monkey, I’ll come up with a much better rescue plan.

Adrian and Naomi fall into the river.

Me: I told you she wouldn’t stay dry.

Jack Black decides they’re going to capture Kong.

Jon: Another brilliant plan.

Me: What could possibly go wrong?

They’ve captured Kong and have him chained on stage in a theater.

Jon: This won’t end well.

Me: What could possibly go wrong?

Kong sees Adrian and goes after him.

Jon: You’re the motherf***** that took her!

Kong keeps picking up blond women that look like Naomi from the back.

Jon: Yup, she picked the wrong day to change her hair color.

Kong has climbed the Empire State Building and Naomi is climbing after him.

Jon: Would you quit with the d*** ladders?!

Kong has been shot multiple times by the fighter jets and is slowly sinking down off the building. He and Naomi stare into each other’s eyes as he slowly dies and Naomi’s eyes water.

Me: I’ll never let go Jack. I’ll never let go! (Thanks Sheryl. I knew I was forgetting a Titanic quote!)

Kong is killed and falls off the building.

Jon: Well, really it works out better for her this way. Sure, she loved the monkey. But what kind of life would she have had? What job is a 25 foot monkey going to get?

Me: Window washer?

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