I never cry. But when I do, it’s at the oddest things. For example, I have two older guy cousins. They were about 11 and 13 when I was born so they’re in their early 30s. I hadn’t seen them in years when we re-met at our grandfather’s funeral. Not wanting to go another 10 years without seeing/talking to them, I got John’s email address. (He lives in Seattle or something. Everyone else lives here in Indy.) That was November. I just sent him an email tonight. And got one back. And I started tearing up.

I have no idea why. He didn’t say anything particularly endearing and he wasn’t mean or anything. It’s not even that time of the month. So why did I almost bust into tears at a simple email from a cousin I barely know?

I never cry but there are times when I wish I could cry. I know that I should cry. But I can’t. Funerals, sad news, people leaving. I don’t cry at movies either. There are 3 movies that I have cried at: Hotel Rwanda, Crash, and The Passion of the Christ. (Haha, anyone who was at Josh and Andy’s when we watched it knows I bawl at that!)

So what does this mean? That I’m cold hearted? That I don’t feel? That my sadness over something isn’t real? Or do I just hide it all inside until some weird trigger comes along and then everything is let loose? Because that’s the other side of the coin. Not only do I not cry, I *hate* crying in front of people. When we watched The Passion at Josh and Andy’s, I went over behind the wall seperating the kitchen and the living room so that they wouldn’t see. Then Jenn got there and wrapped me in a hug and that just made me sob harder. Darn her! 🙂

There are things that I haven’t mourned properly. Even though they aren’t always in my thoughts, every now and then something will come up. But I just push it away. “I’ll deal with it later. I don’t have time right now.” And that’s how everything builds up. Always later. Until Someone says, “No. Now.” He knows. Darn Him too. 🙂

I wonder what I need to mourn this time?

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