You’re no good. You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re trash. You’ll end up a stripper. No one loves you. You’d be better off dead. No one will care if you go away.

These are the lies that I believed. For years, these lies were my truth. Why did I believe them? Because there was no truth to counter them? Sure, I read my Bible on occasion. It said that God loved me. But He seemed so far away. Besides, another lie was that He didn’t care about me either. I was too dirty to even think He might want me. And He had allowed the abuse to happen to me. What kind of loving God would allow that?

It took other people to show me these things for the lies that they were. People who loved me in spite of myself. My stubborness and my determination not to love only small hurdles in their estimation. 🙂

My pseudo-dad will every now and then post lists on IM of what he loves/respects about me. These are the truths that I cling to.

“You know, there’s a lot I truly admire about you. Did you know that despite your supposed hardness, you have a great deal of compassion for folks? Compassion that sparkles in your eyes, except when you are conscious of it and try to hide it.
You love Jesus. I don’t mean that you love Jesus in that way that “we’re all supposed to love Jesus.” But I mean YOU LOVE JESUS. You care about how he sees you and how what you do reflects on how he is perceived.
You are a friend. I mean a friend’s friend. You put their needs ahead of yours (and I’m talking about more than your low self esteem allowing everyone to be more important than you). I mean other people truly matter to you. Your friends are family and you actively treasure them.
You aren’t aware of your beauty. Unself-conscious beauty is a truly rare thing. You’re like a person not quite comfortable in her own skin, thus able to see the beauty in those around her. All the while unaware of the beauty you possess. Not just physical beauty (the part you are least comfortable with) but that true beauty, the kind best seen with the light of love. The love you have for others. And more importantly, Christ.”

L: brb
M: how do i love sunshine
M: let me count the ways
M: one, for the supportive friend that she is
M: two, for the beautiful person i know her to be
M: three, for the way that i observe her with her brother and sister
M: four, for the example she sets for the youth that she works with
M: five, how passionately she loves her friends
M: six, she has such a mature and thinking faith that could put many of her elders to shame.
M: seven, she’s smart, a quality much undervalued (though usually by herself)
M: eight, she’s self-conscious about her beauty. that’s always better than being self-aware about it.
M: nine, she wears her smile like her armor
M: ten, her faith IS her armor
L: stop, i’m gonna bawl
M: eleven, her courage is amazing.

Yeah, he made me cry. 🙂 But they were good tears. Now I just hope I can actually live up to how I am apparently seen. With friends and a pseudo-family who won’t let me forget, maybe I can finally stop believing the lies.

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