You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2006.

I’m not alright
I’m not okay
I lied to you
When you asked today

It was like a bad dream
It was a nightmare
I’m sorry I lied
I know that you care

It was him again
Just like last time
His hands in places
That are only mine

This one was vivid
This one was real
Even now, his tongue
In me I can feel

I hate that he has
This power over me
I want to break away
I want to be free

How can I though?
He haunts in my sleep
Waking and dreaming
These feelings just keep

They keep coming back
I don’t know what to do
Leave me alone!
What have I done to you?!

1. When was the last time you had sex? Hmm….let me think…..must have been in a past life. πŸ˜›

2. How do you flush the toilet in public? With my foot or with toilet paper in my hand. I also open the bathroom door with my shirt or a paper towel in my hand. (No, I’m not OCD……)

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Yes. People who don’t are idiots.

4. Do you have a crush on someone? *whistles*

5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it: Money

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? I’ve been told everything from Sandra Bullock to Audrey Hepburn to Jennifer Aniston. *shrug*

7. What is your favorite pizza topping? Sausage

9. Do you crack your knuckles? Not usually. That’s so bad for them.

10. What song do you hate the most when it gets stuck in your head? Uh…….Baby Got Back

11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? Nope. I’m drowning it out with Bob Marley, mon. πŸ˜‰

12. What are your super powers? My super strength and ability to come back from the dead…..wait…… πŸ˜€

13. Peppermint or spearmint? Either

14. Where are your car keys? In my “hobbit bag” (Jon!) Heh.

15. Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear? Um, I really don’t want to know the last time any of ya’ll boinked someone. πŸ˜‰

16. What’s your most annoying habit? Not showing up when I say I will and being late. :-
17. Where did you last go on vacation? Vacation, vacation……what are those again? lol. Oh, I think it was when I went to Florida with Hannah last August.

18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it who would it be? Haha, if I still worked at CFA, I’d have quite the list. πŸ˜€ Um…….there are people who I’d like to shake some sense into but I can’t really think of anyone I’d like to punch in the nose.

19. What is your best physical feature? I get told I have a great smile a lot.

20. What CD is closest to you right now? There are two sitting on top of each other. Dave Matthew’s Band ‘The Central Park Concert’ and ‘Stand’.

21. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Tea, yogurt, baby carrots

22. What superstition do you believe/practice? If Reegan’s down for a nap, I can’t think “I wonder when she’s gonna wake up?” Because 5 minutes later…… πŸ˜‰

25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive? Yeah. I know, I know. Bad Lauren!

27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower? Tee-hee. Buffy! (Crys, I finally ordered the cd on Amazon yesterday.)

28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and when? Heck yeah! As for when, probably when Jesus was alive.

29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie? Wow, I had the biggest crush on that man when I was little. Ah……probably Raiders of the Lost Ark. Gotta love the fedora!

31. What OCD qualities do you have? Well, there’s the bathroom thing…..haha. I’m also really OCD about brushing my teeth.

32. How many kids do you want to have? Some days I want tons and others I fear I would wipe them all out. πŸ˜€

33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be?
hm…johnny depp. L – Good answer Allison! I’m stealing it!

34. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn’t know, even if they are famous? Depends on the mood I was in. If I was feeling avoidy, then no.

35. What do you do when no one is watching? Watch chick flicks. πŸ˜‰

36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would portray you? Oh sheesh, I don’t know!

37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep? Uh, depends on what that blaze of glory entails.

38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most? It’s not candy but I miss Roselyn’s bakery stuff.

39. What is your favorite kids movie? Heh. Mulan. She kicks butt!

40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you’ve seen in concert? I’m hoping to go to DMB this summer. I saw Earth, Wind and Fire. They were good. Chicago was good. I don’t typically go to concerts tho.

41. Have you ever been in love? *sigh* “Love stinks most of the time….” πŸ˜‰

42. Do you talk to yourself? Erm……..yeah.

43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the face of the earth? Whoever thought up the Left Behind video game. (No, I’m not joking. It’s real.)

Or should I say, what’s a motto with our state? First Daylight Savings Time, now we need a new motto? (Is it bad that I couldn’t even tell ya what our old motto was? Hmm….maybe it is time for a change. πŸ˜‰ )

“Restart your engines.” They changed it hoping to bring in new tourism traffic. Please tell me what we have to offer tourists? If we had more than corn in Indiana, we’d sing about that instead! We have Holiday World, a place called French Lick and…..?

I’ve got some ideas for a new state motto.

Indiana: Where else can you get 4 seasons in 5 minutes?
Indiana: Texas is still thanking us for Bobby Knight.
Indiana: Vote Republican or die.
Indiana: We’re the buckle in the Bible Belt.
Indiana: Avoid the goose poop and you’ll be just fine.
Indiana: You haven’t slit your wrists yet?
Indiana: What’s a Hoosier?

Just kidding. We may not be the coolest state but since we’re here, we might as well kick back and enjoy it.

Hakuna matata, dang it! πŸ˜‰

I was having a conversation with a guy a couple of years younger about a mutual friend of ours. This guy was telling me that he knew that the other guy’s parents thought that he was a bad influence on their son. (Sadly for this guy, I wasn’t exactly inclined to disagree with them.) We were talking about the stuff that he did that made him a bad influence and his defense was, “It’s not like I’m telling him, “Hey, this is cool, go out and do it.””

*sigh*

Guess what? You don’t have to say anything. Your very actions say “this is cool, this is fun, this is what you should be doing”. Because *if* you are repentant (which I have my doubts about), this other guy doesn’t see that side. At least not to my knowledge. And if he does, it kinda gets trumped by the fact that you keep doing these things. Plus he likes to show off the pictures of the “wild” parties that he went to and drunk dials both me and this other guy. (Did I mention both of these guys are under age?)

I understand how hard it can be to realize that you are a role model. Whether you like it or not, this person (sometimes more than one) looks up to you, respects you, and on some level, wants to be like you. And maybe their reasons for looking up to you aren’t necessarily noble but that’s not for you to worry about. It’s how you treat this responsibility.

I had to deal with this when I became a youth sponsor for my church’s youth group. Many of the youth group kids read my blog and I was friends with a lot of them before I came in. So it was very hard for me to transition into the role of a leader. Whether I liked it or not, I had people watching me. (As if I hadn’t had my brother and sister before that.)

That’s not to say that you won’t ever slip up and do something dumb. Believe me, I still do dumb things and I’ve been in some type of leadership position for the past 3 years. Things will seem like a fantastic idea at the time (what could possibly go wrong? πŸ˜‰ ) and then later, I can’t believe that I let something get that far. The fact that you’re a role model isn’t going to erase the fact that you’re human. But knowing that you have people watching you, looking up to you, wanting to be like you, that should fill you with humility and a sense of responsibility. Especially if it’s a child.

So yeah, being a role model can suck. And you might not have chosen to be one. But that doesn’t change the fact that you are. So suck it up. πŸ™‚

It’s not who you are underneath. It’s what you do that defines you. – Batman Begins

Since Rich basically blogged what I was going to, here ya go. πŸ™‚

What’s “Good” About Good Friday?

Thanks Rich. Saved me some typing.

Is it possible to get through *one* night without being hit on by some punk who thinks he’s the next Frank Sinatra? I mean, really. All I want is food and a movie so I can go home and curl up in my pjs. But noooooo! I get some kid swaggering up to me with a golf club (was he playing putt-putt in the hail?) while I’m in line. Who do you think you are? Bagger Vance? Shoo!

Has the “Men: F*** off!” sign fallen off my forehead?

It’s finally over. I’m done with Angel. I’m done with Buffy. I can move on. πŸ˜€

“Personally, I kinda want to slay the dragon.”

A question has been bouncing around in my mind lately. I don’t quite remember what even made me think about it but it was something completely unrelated. (As usual.) So ya’ll get to come along for the ride while I sort out my thoughts. πŸ™‚

When we read our Bibles and we read people talking about the Kingdom of God/Heaven, what do we usually think they’re talking about? What have so many pastors and speakers taught that they are talking about? Heaven. The big shiny place that’s floating over earth somewhere with gold streets and white mansions, right? (Okay, maybe there was a little sarcasm in that last sentence. πŸ˜‰ ) But what if that isn’t what these people (usually Jesus) were talking about? What if He meant the Kingdom of Heaven that is here on earth right now?

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Mt. 5:3)

“…..I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Mt. 10:24)

“…..Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” (Mark 10:14)

“Heal the sick who are there and tell them, ‘The kingdom of God is near you.'” (Luke 10:9)

“…..Jesus replied, “The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.” (Luke 17:20-21)

“In reply, Jesus declared, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” (John 3:5)

These verses don’t say anything about “after you die, you’ll see the kingdom of God”. These verses sound like they can be applied today. What if Jesus meant “unless you begin to see the world through a child’s eyes, without hate and greed and lust, you will not see the kingdom of God that is right here in front of you”? Or, “It is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God because he is so caught up in his worldly possessions that he can’t see the wonder around him.”

Then I started reading Brian McLaren’s new book, ‘The Secret Message of Jesus’, and came across this:

“Interestingly, John almost never uses the term “kingdom of God” (which is at the heart of Jesus’ message for Matthew, Mark and Luke.” There are two exceptions, both of which occur in this unique conversation [Nicodemus and Jesus’ talk]. Instead, John normally translates “kingdom of God” into another phrase that is notoriously hard to render in English. Most commonly, John’s translation of Jesus’ original phrase is rendered “enternal life” in English. Unfortunately, the phrase eternal life is often misinterpreted to mean “life in heaven after you die” – as are kingdom of God and its synonym, kingdom of heaven – so I think we need to find a better rendering.
If “eternal life” doesn’t mean “life after death”, what does it mean? Later in John’s Gospel, Jesus reduces the phrase simply to “life”, or “life to the full.” Near the end of John’s account, Jesus makes a particularly fascinating statement in a prayer, and it is as close as we get to a definition: “This is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom [God has] sent” (John 17:3). So here, “eternal life” means knowing, and knowing means an interactive relationship…….The Greek phrase John uses for “eternal life” literally means “life of the ages,” as opposed, I think we could say, to “life as people are living it these days.” So John’s related phrases – eternal life, life to the full, and simply life – give us a unique angle of what Jesus meant by “kingdon of God”: a life that is radically different from the way people are living these days, a life that is full and overflowing, a higher life that is centered on an interactive relationship with God and with Jesus.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that heaven doesn’t exist or that everyone has a get out of jail free card now. But this is a good reminder that we have to be careful in how we “translate” the scriptures. I always believed that all those verses meant “heaven after you die” because that’s what I was taught. But how much more exciting is it to think that the kingdom of God is here now? We don’t have to wait who knows how many years before we can experience this. It’s right here, right now. All we have to do is become like a child and be willing to have eyes that see.

Do you ever get tired of fighting the good fight? Tired of sacrificing time and money? Tired of the uphill battle to becoming like Him? Tired of….well, living?

I do. I’m tired of working out my faith. I’m tired of constantly having to think about things and live with questions that don’t have answers. I’m tired of having to rethink everything that I once thought was foundational to this faith I claim. What’s that verse? “Working out your salvation with fear and trembling”? The only thing I’m fearing is that I may lose my mind.

I’m tired of my friends arguing over things and getting angry with each other. I’m tired of people not respecting each other’s opinions and beliefs. I’m tired of having a role of leadership in some areas and feeling completely useless in others. I’m tired of dealing with people who are hard to love. Heck, forget love. Some of them are downright hard to *like*!

I’m tired of people not coming to me when they’re angry or hurt about something that I said or did. I’m tired of people talking about each other behind their backs. I’m tired of feeling like a hypocrite. I’m tired of not knowing when I should say something and when I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling like I never have the right thing to say when someone is hurting. And more often than not, sticking my foot in my mouth and making it worse. “It’s ok.” No, it’s not. It’s really not. Just sit there and shut up, Lauren.

I’m tired of being an example. I screw up so much. I shouldn’t be anyone’s role model, much less mentor or big sister. I’m tired of butting heads with my family members over politics and school and jobs and being responsible and not taking other people’s things. I’m tired of being in debt. I’m tired of feeling stuck and like I’m spinning my wheels. I’m tired of worrying about the future.

I’m tired of heavy issues weighing on my heart. I’m tired of feeling helpless in the face of poverty and AIDs and homelessness. I’m tired of seeing all these people with money use it to buy the latest toys and gadgets instead of helping the man on the street corner with the sign that says, “Why lie? I’m gonna buy beer.” I’m tired of seeing news reports about the homeless and our national debt and then the next report is on how much the new Colt’s stadium is costing us. I’m tired of trying to be a good steward of what I have been given. I’m tired of clearing out my closet only to find myself at Target the next day.

I’m tired of seeing trash and litter everywhere I go. I’m tired of watching people throw pop bottles out the window of their car. I’m tired of worrying about recycling. I’m tired of people who give no thought to the plants and animals that suffer from all the waste and trash.

I’m tired of division in the Church. I’m tired of hate. I’m tired of racism and bigotry and wars and judgement. I’m tired of all of it.

I wonder if Jesus ever felt this way. I wonder if He ever looked across the campfire at His disciples arguing about who was the greatest among them and thought, “Why the hell am I here again?” It’s a little comforting to think that maybe He did. Yeah, He was fully God but He was also fully human. I’m sure the occasional moment of discouragement was part of that package.

I’ve been so listless lately. Shane’s been talking about living in the moment and I definitely have not been. If anything, I’ve been going through the motions. (“Going through the motions. Losing all my drive. I can’t even see, if this is really me. And I just want to be alive.”) I need a big sign over my bed that says “Today I start” to remind me. I don’t know what my deal is. Something tells me I just need a good kick in the pants. Man, I *do* suck at encouragement. I can’t even encourage myself. πŸ™‚ I’m stuck in a funk. Maybe I should just go lie down until it goes away.

“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”

…..I promise. πŸ™‚

Until then…..

You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It’s too bad that you want to be someone else
You don’t see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours. – Rumi, 1207-1273
Persian Poet and Professor

E.E. Cummings, american poet (1894-1962)
To be nobody-but-yourselfβ€”in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody elseβ€”means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do? – Friedrich Nietzche

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. – Blaise Pascal

If a man does not keep pace with his companions perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. – Henry David Thoreau

The most visible and reliable expression of God is the singularity of the individual. – J. Keith Mayfield

The hardest thing in life to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else. – Unknown

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself. – Wayne Dyer

Other people’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality. – Les Brown

We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present. – Marianne Williamson

Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. – Picasso

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. – Thomas Merton