Do you ever get tired of fighting the good fight? Tired of sacrificing time and money? Tired of the uphill battle to becoming like Him? Tired of….well, living?

I do. I’m tired of working out my faith. I’m tired of constantly having to think about things and live with questions that don’t have answers. I’m tired of having to rethink everything that I once thought was foundational to this faith I claim. What’s that verse? “Working out your salvation with fear and trembling”? The only thing I’m fearing is that I may lose my mind.

I’m tired of my friends arguing over things and getting angry with each other. I’m tired of people not respecting each other’s opinions and beliefs. I’m tired of having a role of leadership in some areas and feeling completely useless in others. I’m tired of dealing with people who are hard to love. Heck, forget love. Some of them are downright hard to *like*!

I’m tired of people not coming to me when they’re angry or hurt about something that I said or did. I’m tired of people talking about each other behind their backs. I’m tired of feeling like a hypocrite. I’m tired of not knowing when I should say something and when I shouldn’t. I’m tired of feeling like I never have the right thing to say when someone is hurting. And more often than not, sticking my foot in my mouth and making it worse. “It’s ok.” No, it’s not. It’s really not. Just sit there and shut up, Lauren.

I’m tired of being an example. I screw up so much. I shouldn’t be anyone’s role model, much less mentor or big sister. I’m tired of butting heads with my family members over politics and school and jobs and being responsible and not taking other people’s things. I’m tired of being in debt. I’m tired of feeling stuck and like I’m spinning my wheels. I’m tired of worrying about the future.

I’m tired of heavy issues weighing on my heart. I’m tired of feeling helpless in the face of poverty and AIDs and homelessness. I’m tired of seeing all these people with money use it to buy the latest toys and gadgets instead of helping the man on the street corner with the sign that says, “Why lie? I’m gonna buy beer.” I’m tired of seeing news reports about the homeless and our national debt and then the next report is on how much the new Colt’s stadium is costing us. I’m tired of trying to be a good steward of what I have been given. I’m tired of clearing out my closet only to find myself at Target the next day.

I’m tired of seeing trash and litter everywhere I go. I’m tired of watching people throw pop bottles out the window of their car. I’m tired of worrying about recycling. I’m tired of people who give no thought to the plants and animals that suffer from all the waste and trash.

I’m tired of division in the Church. I’m tired of hate. I’m tired of racism and bigotry and wars and judgement. I’m tired of all of it.

I wonder if Jesus ever felt this way. I wonder if He ever looked across the campfire at His disciples arguing about who was the greatest among them and thought, “Why the hell am I here again?” It’s a little comforting to think that maybe He did. Yeah, He was fully God but He was also fully human. I’m sure the occasional moment of discouragement was part of that package.

I’ve been so listless lately. Shane’s been talking about living in the moment and I definitely have not been. If anything, I’ve been going through the motions. (“Going through the motions. Losing all my drive. I can’t even see, if this is really me. And I just want to be alive.”) I need a big sign over my bed that says “Today I start” to remind me. I don’t know what my deal is. Something tells me I just need a good kick in the pants. Man, I *do* suck at encouragement. I can’t even encourage myself. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m stuck in a funk. Maybe I should just go lie down until it goes away.

“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”