I miss choir. I do. It was all I could do not to run up to Eric and beg to rejoin. The songs they sang were wonderful. However, I’m starting to notice a trend with these songs. They’re all “yeah, I’m getting my butt kicked but isn’t Jesus great?” I don’t know about you but I don’t know many people who truly have that attitude when they’re going through a trial. Maybe I’m just a bad Christian. 😉

So I left CPC, singing and in a fairly good mood. Then I got to the Dwelling Place and reality hit. Life isn’t shiny and happy. Christianity doesn’t make everything better. To be honest, knowing that Jesus is there doesn’t make everything better most of the time. Most of the time, it makes it harder. Because then you’re left with the “whys”. Why the hell did You let this happen?

It doesn’t matter how many Bible verses or sayings you throw at these things. After awhile, it just gets old. You can only hear “God works for good with those who love him” so many times before you want to scream “If He’s working for good, why didn’t He stop it in the first place?” Why is it that the words of the following song can seem so true one minute and so cliche the next?

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me


And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm


Does He really carry us? Because it sure doesn’t feel like it sometimes. Sometimes I think that I’m just stumbling around in the dark, grasping. I told Jenn today, I’m so sick of seeing my girl friends hurt like this. It makes me sad and angry. Where are the champions? Where are the men who don’t use and abuse? Why aren’t there more of them?

I don’t know about you but my Christianity isn’t happy and shiny. Is it all pain and sorrow? No. But anyone who tells you that life will be easier once you’re a Christian is full of crap. Jesus said His yoke is easy but He also said pick up your cross. Right now, my cross is simply covered in questions.