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But I think I might be.

Last night we went clubbing for Ro’s bachelorette party. (After thoroughly embarressing her with gifts, of course. πŸ˜‰ ) The group consisted of Ro, Sheryl, Marcia, Dee, Shawna, Jenn and me. Crystal had been at Marcia’s house with us up until we left for the club.

First of all, it was *hot*. I didn’t want anyone touching me. I didn’t even want myself touching me. And that was just standing outside. We got inside and Sheryl and I herded everyone downstairs to where the dance floor was. We decided to get drinks first and then dance so we went to the bar. That turned into more of a hassle than it was really worth. I don’t know how long we stood there waiting for someone to even look at us. During this time, I had the time to decide that I would never want to be a bar tender. Too crazy, too loud, too stressful.

We *finally* got our drinks and then I decided to fight my way to the bathroom on the other side of the room. Made it there in one piece, stood in line, used the scary bathroom, then fought my way back to the girls. We downed our shot glasses worth of drinks and headed for the already insanely crowded dance floor. Making space for 8 more people proved to be interesting but we managed to get everyone into a circle of sorts.

We were dancing and just being silly and having fun. Some random chick came over and was dancing between Dee and me for a minute. We couldn’t tell if she was just looking for a group to join or if she lost her group or was trying to duck a guy or what. She eventually moved on and that’s when *they* started coming over.

Men. πŸ˜›

Dee and Shawna got tagged pretty quickly. We had random people congratulating Ro since she had on a pretty little veil and a few guys tried dancing with her. We had one guy who just seemed to be making his way around our circle. He started with either Shawna or Dee. A little while later he got to Jenn and Dee leaned over to me and said “It’s her turn!” Jenn just gave us this “Whatever!” look. My first guy who tried dancing with me was drunk beyond belief. We were dancing face to face and he kept moving weird and not sticking with a rhythm. I finally caught what he was saying which was “Give me a kiss”. I just shook my head and he kept persisting and I’d say nope, ready to knock him across the floor if he seriously tried anything. Apparently everyone was keeping an eye on me and were trying to decide if I was ok or if I needed rescued. Eventually, we got rid of him. He was smashed!

We kept dancing and random guys would come up and dance with us. The next guy I danced with I never even saw his face. Which, oddly enough, I was much better with. Him behind me with a hand on my thigh is better than in my face trying to make out with me. At some point we saw the first guy with some other girl, making out and I said, “See? He found someone.” I got pulled into the middle of the group again to get me away from the second guy. That was our little safety net for the night. Someone needed rescued, we pulled them into the circle.

We left the dance floor to go stand by the huge fan and cool off a bit. We were all pouring sweat. Real cute. After we cooled off a bit, we went back out and fought to form our cirlce again. I think this is when contestant #3 came up from behind. Never saw his face either. We eventually made our way over to the mirrors on the back of the dance floor. We had more room and we could lean up against the mirrors because they were cool. Yet another guy came over and tried to dance with me but I got pulled over to Ro real quick. Then two gay guys came over and were talking to Ro and congratulating her. The one kissed her hand, then had her point all us girls out and kissed our hands. At this point I hadn’t realized they were gay so after they moved on, I jumped in front of her to block her from unwanted attention. After a bit, the dude that had been making his way around our circle found me and was “dancing” with me. He was worse than the first guy because he wasn’t following the rhythm at all. I knew exactly what he was doing, especially when he kept trying to hike my skirt higher and his hand kept moving inward. I decided I’d had enough of him about the time we were going to leave so I broke away and we started making our way through the crowd. The guy that Dee had been dancing with most of the time would *not* let her go until she gave him a number. Jenn had to get between them and try to get her away from him. There’s persistent and then there’s just stalkerish.

So that was my first real clubbing experience. I’ve been to clubs but I’ve never had random guys coming up and trying to kiss me and dance with me. I said to Sheryl on our way back to Marcia’s “Swing dancing that is not.” Sure, there’s creepy guys at swing dance too but they can’t be all rubbing and grinding up against you. I just found myself looking at it all and thinking that it’s really sad that a lot of those people live for this. Dancing and drinking and hooking up with random strangers. Especially when I think of what we were created for. There’s so much more to life than those things. Life could be so much better. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against clubbing. I think it’s kinda fun every once in awhile. (Even if when I’m there I do think “I’m a grown-ass woman. I don’t need to feel the bass from the music in my chest.”) But it’s no way to live your life. So maybe I’m not too old to club. Not just yet. πŸ™‚

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I know that there are things so much worse than this. I’ve lived through some of them. I know that it’s not really your fault. It’s not really my fault either. I know all this.

But somehow, that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

It doesn’t make the tears go away.

Almost. But not.

There have been a lot of “almosts”. And that’s what hurts.

Went back to work this week. Reegan was in a *horrible* mood Tuesday and Wednesday and then in a *great* mood today. She was cracking me up today being completely silly.

I’m trying to work on patience with her. (And myself, Rich! lol.) We were in the car Tuesday morning and I had a realization. I’ve become a “first time mom”. Not literally. But some of the things that I have laughed at first time moms for, I find myself doing with Reegan. And the sad part is, it’s played into her lack of patience for anything. We were in the car and she dropped something and couldn’t get it fast enough so she started fussing. This led to me freaking out and trying to get to it without crashing the car. I couldn’t get to it and suddenly I shook myself. What the heck am I doing? So she dropped something and now she’s upset. A: she shouldn’t be freaking out and B: neither should you. It wasn’t even on the floor. It was just down in her seat and she was having trouble getting to it. About 30 seconds later, she managed to get it back out. I said (to both of us) “Now was that really worth all that drama?”

The only reason she was mad was because she couldn’t get ahold of it 2 seconds after she decided she wanted it. It was then and there that I decided we both needed to work on patience. Because her lack of patience leads to her whining and her whining leads to me having less patience with her. So instead of just jumping to do whatever it is I think she wants, we’re going to work on her being patient. (Which will require my patience.) Like today I started clearing her food away because she had said done and then she started fussing. So I stopped her and I said, “Reegan, no whining. Use your words to tell me what you want.” And she did. Jamie always tells the kids to “use their words” and even though she’s young, I think I’m going to start saying that when she starts whining or fussing. It will be good training for her and a good reminder for me.

Because the real word isn’t going to jump up and do what we want when we want it just because we throw a fit. And even though she’s young, behavior patterns like this are instilled early on. It’s human nature to think that the world revolves around us and it’s only strengthened when the people around us act like it’s true. (For most people, that stops about the time mom and dad have baby #2.) So if you think of it, pray for me and Reegan. I don’t really know what her parents do help or discourage this behavior but she and I have fallen into a bad habit that will probably be a little hard to break. Learning patience isn’t an easy thing but it’s a necessary thing.

For every time I’ve been unfaithful
For every time I’ve been untrue
For every time I’ve been ungrateful
For all You’ve done and all You do

Please forgive me
Please forgive me

For when my pride has been unbroken
For when my soul has been unmoved
For all the praise I left unspoken
When I owe everything to you

Please forgive me
Please forgive me

There is a fountain filled with blood
Where Your forgiveness ever flows
Come wash me in the healing flood
And I’ll be white as snow

(Repeat)

For when my heart has been unyielding
When my devotion went unproved
For all the days I’ve been unwilling
To take my cross and follow You

Please forgive me
Please forgive me

There is a fountain filled with blood
Where Your forgiveness ever flows
Come wash me in the healing flood
And I’ll be white as snow

(Repeat 2X)

For every time I’ve been unfaithful
For every time I’ve been untrue
For every time I’ve been ungrateful
For all You’ve done and all You do

Please forgive me
Please forgive me
Please

If there’s a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I’ve already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That’s ancient history–been there, done that!

(Who d’ya think you’re kiddin’?
He’s the earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can’t conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you’re thinkin’ of)

No chance, no way
I won’t say it, no, no
(You swoon, you sigh
Why deny it, uh-oh)
It’s too clichΓ©
I won’t say I’m in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming, get a grip, girl
Unless you’re dying to cry your heart out
Oh

(You keep on denyin’
Who you are and how you’re feelin’
Baby, we’re not buyin’
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceilin’
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That you got, got, got it bad?)
Whoa

No chance, no way
I won’t say it, no, no
(Give up, give in
Check the grin–you’re in love)
This scene won’t play
I won’t say I’m in love
(You’re doin’ flips
Read our lips: you’re in love)

You’re way off base
I won’t say it
Get off my case
I won’t say it
(Girl, don’t be proud
It’s O.K. you’re in love)

Oh
At least out loud
I won’t say I’m in love

***************

Oh Annie…… πŸ˜‰ There’s one for the memory book.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life
.

Patience is stable enduring love. Time cannot stop it – it is willing to wait! Difficulties cannot thwart it – it is willing to suffer. Patient love persistently waits for another, putting up with them in hope of their future good. Patient love continues to believe that no one is beyond redemption.

Will someone please explain to me why this about made me cry? Darn you Rich! πŸ™‚

This past week was VBS at CPC. (Yeah yeah, I know. Can I buy a vowel?) I love VBS week. It’s my week to totally act like a kid and not get into trouble for it. I can dance around like crazy, act like a fool in drama, sing goofy kid songs with motions and play water games for rec. It’s a total blast. Plus I get to hang out with Kels. It’s about the only week we really get to see each other anymore. πŸ™‚

This year’s theme was SonTreasure Island so everything was Caribbean themed. (I was so sick of seeing lei’s that by Friday when Sheryl put one on me I almost had a conniption. πŸ˜‰ ) Kels and I did drama, as usual, with Kate and Jared (I’m not even going to try to spell their last name) and Shelly. It was hysterical. Jared was the pirate captain and he looked exactly like Jack Sparrow. It was *awesome*. Kate was our “bad guy” again. She does a great job with it. Shelly was our Storyteller, meaning she’s the only one who had a valid reason for using her script. The rest of us were cheating. Kels played Kiwi, the goofy first mate of the Captain, and I was Coco Banana, the “ambitious snack shop owner”. (How you can be ambitious when you own a snack shop on an island and you only see the same 3 people every day, I have no idea.) The first day went pretty well as far as lines being memorized and said in order and by the people who were supposed to say them. It was all down hill from there. By Thursday and Friday, we were completely ad libbing. On Thursday we got completely thrown off because when Jared and Kels walked onto the stage, they knocked one of our precariously perched “palm trees” over. The kids all died laughing (and so did we even tho we were trying to hide it. Jared’s yelling “Shiver me timbers!” didn’t help.) It completely threw us though and we never really got back on track. We got the main gist of things and made the point of that day’s skit but we ended up with Jared and Kate’s characters having an Uncle Bernadine. (Don’t ask.) Also, I was supposed to have an accent. Tuesday I completely forgot about it b/c we were running so late and were stressed. We got out of the bathroom from changing and I was like “Oh crap, I forgot to do an accent!” Then on Friday I was about halfway thru my first line when I realized I wasn’t talking with an accent again and finished my line with the accent. I definitely got some laughs for that one. πŸ˜€ Apparently we’re funnier when we don’t follow the corny scripts that the VBS people send us so Kels and I were talking about giving ourselves some general guidelines and just improv-ing our skits next year.

Music was interesting this year. A little bit of drama there, which I hadn’t really dealt with in VBS until now. People had been stressed in past years but this was a whole new kinda crazy. Oh well. We got through it and I think the kids had fun, which is what counts.

Every year it’s been tradition for two of us to go around on Thursday as Cubby Bear and Sparky the Lightening Bug (from the Awana stuff) and promote that. This year Kels was Sparky and I was Cubby. In the past, someone else was Cubby and I led the two around since it’s very difficult to see in those costumes. They involve large heads with mesh over the opening in the mouth to see out of. Kels had a little more visibility in Sparky then I did in Cubby so I mostly followed her around and told her not to let me run into anything or anyone. Because of the angle that Cubby’s head was sitting on me, I spent most of the morning staring at Sparky’s butt. (Hence my blog title.) It was *hot* in those costumes, let me tell you. I don’t know how the people at Disney World do it. We couldn’t take our heads off in front of the kids (talk about traumatizing) so that made things interesting. We’d pull our heads up to get a drink or to cool off but the second we thought a kid was coming, back down they came. We had to stay in our costumes for the closing ceremony when we had the staff memebers up on stage dancing with us. I was sooooo scared I was gonna fall off that stage.

We played water games with Jack almost every day for upper elementary recreation. One day we ended up having a food fight. And by we I mean the mature adults of the group. πŸ˜€ The kids all walked outside to see us smearing cake all over each other. We also made it a point to dump buckets of water all over each other every day and turned the hose on one another. We even made a group effort to get Joy wet on Friday b/c she had managed to stay dry the entire morning. Jack had even chased her around the parking lot with a bucket of water. We ended up having to grab her and hold her while Jack dumped the water on all of us. (But Shelly, Kels and I were already wet so we didn’t care.)

We had over 1000 kids during the week. That is a *lot* of small children running around. My little sis even came and loved watching me up there singing and dancing. She and Emma found out the truth about Cubby and Sparky but they’re sworn to secrecy. πŸ™‚

“It’s a big, big house with lots and lots of room. With a big, big table with lots and lots of food. And a big, big yard where we can play football (touchdown!). It’s a big, big house. It’s my Father’s house.” πŸ˜€

Be-dee-be-dee-be-dee….that’s all folks!

It takes courage to love
To believe that he’s the one
That he won’t hurt you
That he won’t hit you
That he won’t make you undone

It takes courage to love
To push that fear aside
To let yourself be real
To let yourself feel
Show him what’s on the inside

It takes courage to love
And not play “what if?”
“What if he’s pretending?”
“What if I’m left fending
for myself and maybe kids?”

It takes courage to love
To let yourself open up
Let him see your soul
Let him see you whole
Not just pieces and shards

It takes courage to love
That’s something I don’t have
“When the time is right”
“Don’t put up a fight”
But the truth is, I already am


My baby brother’s all grown up and….savin China! πŸ˜‰ Happy 18th! You can smoke, vote and die for your country. Congratulations.