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When I laid to down take a nap with Reegan, I just started crying. Realizing I wouldn’t be able to sleep for all the thoughts running in my head, I decided to blog instead.

I didn’t start crying because I’m hurt. (Well, that’s obviously part of it but I’m more hurting for others then any actual wrong done to me.) I started crying because I was thinking about how if it hurts this badly when someone I love does something stupid, how much more does it hurt God? When I sin and I screw up repeatedly, I know it hurts those around me. Directly and indirectly. And as much as those people love me, God loves me even more. And if their hearts are breaking because I hurt them or because I hurt myself, how much more does God’s heart break?

I almost wish that this feeling would stay. Not because I want to be sad and crying all the time. But because right now, I have no desire to sin. I have no desire to grieve those around me and to grieve my Father. But I know it won’t last. I know that eventually this too will pass and life will go on and everyone may be a bit wiser but that won’t stop me from sinning. Which saddens me.

Why can’t we just learn? Why do we have to do everything the hard way? Why do we have to hurt ourselves and our friends? I get so frustrated with Reegan and Mikayla and Reese and Malcolm because I think, “If you would just obey, life would be so much easier on everyone.” And then I remember: I do *exactly* the same thing. I know something is wrong but I still say “no!” and do it anyway. I know something will hurt me or someone I love and I still do it.

But no matter how many times I screw up, I’m not giving up. I may kick myself for a minute and say, “Okay, that was really, really, really stupid”. But then I will get back up and try again. Spirituality isn’t perfect. It’s messy. Because people are messy. But it’s not how many times you mess up. It’s not how many times you do the same damn thing. It’s the fact that you learn, you get back up, and you *keep trying*. I know it doesn’t feel spiritual and it feels like you’re just a big screw up who never learns. But Jesus understands that. He is fully God *and* fully human. That’s what I keep reminding myself of when I sin. No matter how much I mess up, nothing can take His love away from me. Nothing.


What she said.

I love you, even if you did screw up. That doesn’t mean you *are* a screw-up. You’re better than this. I don’t care how many times you’ve screwed up in the past. You are not a bad person and you deserve better than how you treat yourself. We all mess up. Repeatedly. But God doesn’t give up on people. He hasn’t given up on you and neither will I.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Community is a place where you find love and acceptence for who you are and where you are. Community sees your imperfections and sins and still says “I love you anyway”. Community also holds you accountable when you do screw up. Community doesn’t cast you aside and give up on you but they don’t sit back and let it slide either.

However, just because someone in the community screws up and it hurts others in that community, that doesn’t mean that community is no longer there or that it never was. Yes, as a community you strive to do what is best for others. As a Christian, you are supposed to esteem one another and put one another ahead of yourself. You try not to make stupid, selfish decisions that will hurt other people. But sometimes you do screw up. And if community is really there, then the people in it won’t act like nothing has happened and they won’t give up on you. Part of community is addressing sin. It’s not one of the fun parts but it is a part. It means you ask tough questions and give tough answers. It means you risk people being mad at you. It means, with love and patience, you work through whatever it is together.

It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be confused. It’s okay to need to take a break from people. But don’t give up on the people within the community because if you do, then that is what says that the community was never there. People are people. They will screw up. They will hurt others. Part of community is being open and vulnerable and trusting those around you. Sometimes that trust is broken and has to be rebuilt. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it makes you mad. But that’s okay. What isn’t okay is giving up on people because they make mistakes. People are stupid, selfish beings. Remember that if you found yourself in a similar situation, no matter how unlikely it may seem at the time, you would probably want mercy and grace and love. It’s hard but it’s worth it. Jesus didn’t call us to forgive just when it was easy.

I just gave up what would probably be a really great job to stick it out with the people I nanny for. Why? Because I’m too darn loyal. Believe me, I tried to talk myself out of it. I tried to be selfish. I tried to only think of how it would benefit me. Apparently I do not have these capabilities. *sigh*

lol. Okay, here’s the less dramatic version of the story. A friend of mine works as a private investigator and he called me Friday morning to tell me that there was a job opening and to see if I was interested. I said I would think about it and get back to him, already knowing that I couldn’t take it. But I wanted to see if I couldn’t work something out in my head. I thought about it and thought about it but I just could not work it out. I could not justify leaving Reegan. Even though it would have been a more steady job and would have paid more and maybe even had benefits and most of all: adults to talk to! I couldn’t do it. Because I don’t know if Valorie could find another nanny. And I wouldn’t want to put Reegan through getting used to another person. And I would miss her. As batty as she can drive me sometimes, I still love that little girl very much. (Besides, now that we’re working on not being whiny and on having patience, she drives me batty a lot less. Shocker.)

Not to mention, her parents have been soooooo wonderful to me. As cool as the other job might have been, I doubt that they would still pay me even when I call in sick. I doubt I would end up with a free membership to the YMAC. I doubt they would be okay with me taking a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day. I doubt they would say that they could work with whatever my class schedule was each semester or care that I had homework or was up all night studying for a test that I’m nervous about. Besides, as “not cool” as it may be, being a nanny is really fun. Reegan and I can pretty much go wherever we want whenever we want. There aren’t deadlines or cranky customers or bills to worry about. How many jobs pay you to go to the pool or to go to story time at the library? (Other than a lifeguard or a librarian, smart aleck. 🙂 )

So for now, I’m still a nanny and a preschool teacher. I told my friend to tell his boss thanks for the offer and to keep me in mind for future jobs but right now, I’m happy where I’m at.

This proverb has been around for centuries. Though it’s origin is unknown, it is part of the teachings of the Vadjra cult and indicates that if we do not hear, see or speak of evil, we ourselves will be spared evil. Christians have taken this phrase and made it their own, coupling it with the verse that tells us to be “in the world but not of it”.

The unfortunate fact is that evil is part of this world. It seems we can’t get through a single day without some horrible act being commited. In order for us to be “in” the world, we have to come to terms with the fact that we will be faced with evil. We can’t hide from it. Jesus never tells us to. If He wanted us to hide from the evil around us, He probably wouldn’t have left us here in the first place.

If we hide from evil and do not hear it, see it, or speak of it, how can we minister to those around us who suffer because of it? It’s like a doctor who doesn’t want to know what caused the illness. He can have compassion and he can try different methods but until he knows the cause, he can only do so much. We as Christians have to come to terms with the evil around us and in us. We don’t have to accept it or understand it but we do have to face it. (And by facing it I don’t mean taking pictures of people buying porn to post on the internet to support your own self-righteousness.)

Life isn’t easy. There is evil all around us but there is also good. It’s finding the good that keeps you strong and reminds you that not all is lost. So don’t hide from the evil. Stand up to it where you find it. Face it. Live as if the world was as it should be to show it what it can be.

The wedding is over!!!!!!!!!!

None of us fell over. None of us slid down the asile. We all fit into our dresses. Our make-up didn’t run. The wedding only started 10 minutes late. We all wanted to kill the mother of the bride and the so called “wedding coordinator”. But we didn’t. Because that’s not what Jesus would do. The wedding was beautiful. The song for the bridesmaids was played four times in a row to get the two moms down the asile and all the bridesmaids. The reception was fun once I got out of my rotten, rotten mood. I *loved* meeting Joy. We had a blast together. I slept all day on Sunday.

The end. 😀

Reegan is sick. She has the chicken pox. Last night Valorie called to tell me and ask if I was ok being exposed to them. I would’ve been if we knew for certain that I had had them when I was a baby. My parents were pretty sure but there were very few spots, they were really light and I don’t think I had a fever or anything. The doctors couldn’t be sure. With the wedding this weekend and school starting in a couple of weeks, there was no way I could risk getting them now. So I have the week off work. 😀

As sad as I am that she’s sick (though Valorie said that she’s fine and isn’t acting sick), this couldn’t have happened at a better time. I was beginning to get worried about all the stuff we need to get done for the wedding. After all the partying and dancing and having my grandparents here last week, I wasn’t ready to hit the ground running again. But my week just got considerably lighter, which means I can help Ro more without being sleep deprived and stressed. Yay!

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