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From the ladies dessert night at CPC last Monday:

Speaker: I just had to pick up my boots and keep going.

Me: *laughing*

Crystal: What?

Me: *catches Sally’s eye and realizing she’s laughing too, starts laughing harder*

Crystal: What is so funny?!

Me: I honestly didn’t think she was ending that word with a ‘T’. *sees Sally leaning over to explain to the lady next to her that we JUST MET!* Oh crap, now we’re gonna get into trouble.

Lady we just met: *dies laughing* Well, sometimes when you get to a certain age, you do have to start picking them up.

Entire table cracks up.

***********

Me (as we’re leaving): Hardly anyone ate my muffins. Probably because they weren’t drowning in chocolate.

Sheryl: Maybe you can find some guy to eat your muffins.

Crystal: That sounds dirty!

Me: No man is eating my muffins! I’m picking up my booTs and taking my muffins home!

At least we weren’t discussing locked gardens, right Bible Study Babes? 😉

I love my friends. ❤

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I think I have a messiah complex. I think that I have to save everyone. No, not the typical crazy evagelistic “You’re all going to Hell!” type of thing. But I want to save everyone from being hurt.

Today I took Nicole to get her wisdom teeth out. While I was in the office waiting, there was a tv on and it was on the Discovery channel or something because everything was about animals. One show came on about these people who help animals that have been abused. There was a darling little puppy on there that some gang members had stolen out of someone’s back yard, put on a grill in a park and set on fire! They said 80% of his body was burned and they had to amputate his tail to save him. My shock and fury that someone could do that to an innocent animal aside, I found myself wanting to take that little puppy home with me and take care of him. I don’t even like dogs! I’m allergic to them, they bark, they drool, they have to be walked and played with, they put their nasty wet noses on you and sniff you. But I wanted to take that little puppy and save him and protect him. And all of the other abused animals.

I also went through this when we were in China getting Mikayla. We went to an orphanage and there were sooooo many babies and little children who needed mommies to hold them and love them. I wanted to take every single one of them home with me. Which is insane! I was 15 at the time! But I still want to when I think about it.

I see my friends making stupid stupid choices and I want to save them from themselves. I see my family at odds with one another and I want to fix it. I see homeless people and I want to give them money and help them find food and a job and a place to sleep. I want to make the terrorists go away and help the third world countries and find a cure for AIDS and cancer and poverty and famine.

But I can’t. Because I’m not a hero. I’m not God. I can’t save the world. Because it’s not my job. Sure, I can do my part. And I try to. I recycle and I give homeless people my spare change (the very few times I have any) and I’m there for my friends and I plan to adopt babies and maybe be a foster mom and I gave clothes and toys to the Katrina relief. Yet there always feels like there’s more I can do. But I’m only one person. I can’t save the world. That is Someone else’s job. And if we partner with Him, we can help in saving it. Maybe in the end, that’s the best we can hope for.

I am going to tell my story. And my teacher will read it. And at least two of my classmates.

This scares me beyond belief.

But what scares me more is writing it. I don’t want to drudge up these memories. I don’t want to risk the nightmares. Especially since I’m reading ‘Stumbling Toward Faith’ again.

“Help me. O God, help me. Help me, O God.”

I can do this.

Right?

I Am A Rock

A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Blah. Woke up this morning feeling pukey so I called in sick to work. Allergies and on the verge of having to dart to the bathroom if something decides to come up. That’s how I’ve spent my day.

On the upside, I’ve had to day to catch up on sleep and get my homework done. Though the girl that is supposed to be my “partner” for this writing assignment hasn’t sent me her story so I can write a reader’s response, nor has she sent me a response to mine. Both are due in two days. If she doesn’t send either, I’ll just do the best I can with what I have. I hate working with unreliable partners. I mean, I can be flighty and forgetful and unreliable but never about work or school. I am almost always on top of stuff in those two areas. And when I’m not, it’s usually because of something like this which is out of my control.

I’m getting ready for preschool to start next week. I’m nervous. I have to make a really good impression so that people will keep bringing their kids back and so we’ll get more kids. But I met most of the kids and their parents last night so I think it’ll be good. I’m Miss David. How odd. 🙂

Okay, off to read Open Questions. At least it’s more interesting than Logic. Oh, and I find out how I did on my first Logic test tomorrow. Pray. 😀

13 random things you like (in no particular order):

1. Having the week off work and still getting paid
2. Good books
3. My fuzzy blanket from Kohls
4. Good movies
5. Hanging out with friends
6. Writing poetry
7. Blogging
8. My church
9. Singing really loud when no one else is home
10. Dancing!
11. Running
12. Candles
13. Yoga

12 Movies:

1. V for Vendetta
2. Lady in the Water
3. The Village
4. Office Space
5. Saved
6. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
7. Bewitched
8. The Devil Wears Prada
9. Enough
10. Dogma
11. Crash
12. The Big Kahuna

11 Good Bands/Artists:

1. DAVE MATTHEWS!!!!!!!! 😀
2. U2
3. Lauryn Hill
4. Alanis Morissette
5. Josh Mayes and the Citrus Project 🙂
6. Mother Grove
7. Nickle Creek (who just recently disbanded! *sob*)
8. Bob Marley
9. Earth, Wind and Fire
10. John Mayer
11. Nichole Nordeman

10 Things About You (physical):

1. Blue-grey eyes
2. Brunette
3. Cute feet 😀 (According to Brian K. anyway.)
4. Small birth mark on back of my right calf
5. 5′ 6″
6. Glasses
7. My eyes squint when I smile
8. Small hands
9. Pierced ears
10. My nails break too easily

9 Friends (in no particular order and not implying I don’t love those I don’t mention!):

1. Annie
2. Jenn
3. Sheryl
4. Crystal
5. Ro
6. Sara
7. Nicole
8. Kels
9. Emily

8 Favorite Drinks/Food:

1. Sweet tea
2. Water
3. Black Cherry Vanilla Coke
4. Chai
5. Bread
6. Artichoke
7. Fruit
8. Rice

7 Things You Wear Daily:

1. Earrings
2. Make-up (sometimes)
3. Watch (except now the battery is dead)
4. Rings
5. Glasses
6. Nail polish
7. Clothes 😀

6 Things You Did Today:

1. Woke up
2. Ate toast
3. Got on the computer
4. Contemplated doing homework
5. Watched YouTube videos instead
6. Decided I’d better actually do homework (but after this survey 😉 )

5 Things You Thought About Today:

1. Homework
2. Church
3. Poverty
4. My blog for INtake
5. Gel bras (Thanks a lot Sarah!)

4 Things You’re Doing Right Now:

1. Typing this
2. Still contemplating that homework
3. Humming ‘Warehouse’ by Dave Matthews

4. Ummm…….

3 Things People Usually Call You:

1. La/Lala/Lalalalalalipop (Okay, maybe that’s just a certain Mayes child 🙂 )
2. Punkin
3. Sunshine/Sunny/Sunny-kins/Sunsmiles

2 People You’ve Kissed:

1. Mikayla
2. Reegan

1 Person You Got This From:

1. ?

This past Sunday, an old youth sponsor of mine passed away. Of all the youth sponsors, Dave Lamb was probably the one I knew the least well. It’s kind of ironic, since he and Debbie were youth sponsors for 15 years. But for all the small group hopping I did, I never landed in theirs.

Today, as I listened to people talk about him at the funeral, I wished that I had known him better. But I still knew what they were talking about when they called him “the gentle giant”. You didn’t have to know him well to see that he enjoyed life. He was such a big kid. Always telling (bad) jokes. On ski trips he’d always have a backpack full of candy and games to play. He loved getting on the ground and wrestling with his son, Ian. And you could always hear his laugh from across the room.

He could be intimidating at first, with his large stature and booming voice. But when you got to know him even a little bit, you saw he had one of the biggest hearts. And that he loved Jesus. Dave had a very child-like faith. He didn’t always have the answers but he had love and a servent’s attitude. He knew what it meant to be like Christ.

Dave was a behind the scenes kind of guy. He was never up front preaching. He was definitely never up front singing. (But he for sure knew the meaning of making a joyful noise. 🙂 ) He was the guy in the back serving doughnuts and running kids to the hospital when they got hurt on ski trip. So many people benefitted from his quiet service. So many people who probably never said thanks. I know I never did and now I regret it. His smile always made everyone feel welcome and he poured his heart into everyone around him.

Dave Lamb, you will be so missed. But you left behind a great legacy. A legacy of love, generosity and faithfulness. You showed Christ to everyone you met and I’m sure Heaven is a little brighter and a little more lively now that you’re there. Thank you for everything you did for all of us. Thank you for being a faithful husband and father to Debbie and Ian. Thank you for pouring so many years into the youth group. Thank you for leaving behind a legacy of love.

1. You multi-task by writing your paper for class in the car while driving to work.

2. You’re on a first name basis with the Arby’s drive-thru crew.

3. No, really. The breakfast crew, the lunch crew and the dinner crew.

4. You can’t remember what a full night’s sleep is.

5. Your car is your dining room and sometimes bed.

6. You vaguely remember having friends and family but can’t remember what any of them look like.

7. You also vaguely remember having a social life.

8. You get caught up on current events by scaning the tabloid headlines in the line at the grocery store.

9. You bought stock in caffine pills and coffee.

10. You didn’t have time to read this blog. (Or in my case, wasted precious minutes writing it.)

😀

P.S. You know that look that guys give you when they aren’t thinking about having sex with you? Yeah, me either. >:-(

…..but what you do that defines you.

Yesterday was the sentencing and the end of the nightmare that started almost a year ago. I spent the night with my friend on Thursday and we were at the courthouse by 9:00 Friday morning. Fortunately we were pretty much in and out, so she didn’t have to sit there and think about it and worry. She went with the detective and her other friend and I went in to sit down. The man who did this to her was already in there. He looked like the type of person who would do it too. I think I’ve seen him on America’s Most Wanted before.

We got started and the judge asked my friend if she had anything to say and she said yes. This is what she read to the court.

“on october 4, 2005, my life came to a halt. everything in my world took a turn and began going in the complete opposite direction. EVERYTHING stopped. i had a very good and comfortable life going. i was in school full time, happily raising two kids by myself, in a house i was planning to buy. then, on that awful day in october, things were stolen from me that i can’t go to the store and replace. 2 ½ hours of my life were taken. 2 ½ hours of being forced to do unmentionable things against my will. my sense of security, privacy, intimacy and safety were taken away by a man who only had his own motives and wants in mind. nothing and no one else mattered to this selfish monster. 2 ½ hours changed the way my life was lived. from that point on, i became a shell of a woman who lacked confidence, security and at some points sanity. because of that, i had to drop out of school, probably one of the biggest things that put my life on hold. had i been able to continue going to school, and not have severe anxiety attacks thinking everyone was trying to hurt me, i would’ve graduated this past may. instead, i had to drop out, appeal to the school, and tell this humiliating story just to get back in. apart from that, i’ve had to continue to try to be a mother to two young, scared children. my daughter and son have felt the effects of this as well, since they were both home on that awful night. not only were they home, but they were both sick. in fact, my daughter spent two nights in the hospital after that with pneumonia and an asthma attack. they still don’t know exactly what happened, but from what they’ve asked and managed to piece together, they’ve felt it almost as much as i have. my son started acting out in school and ranting about how he has to get home to keep his mommy safe, and my daughter has been scared to go to bed at night afraid that bad men will come into her window and try to hurt or take her. she regularly reminds me that she’s scared of this world. if they sold in the stores a way to reinstill trust and safety in a six and eight year old, i’d be the first in line. then there’s our house where we made our little family. we loved our house and the kids still don’t understand why we had to leave. we made many memories and had great times there. we planned on being there much longer, and making many more memories, but that was taken from us, too. after that monster left that night, i got my kids, got the hell out and never looked back. i’ve since been in counseling, gotten back in school, gotten married and tried to piece my life back together. but i’m still a scared, pepper spray toting, little girl that’s afraid of the dark and being alone in my own house. i fear when i’m alone with my husband that something will remind me of that night and i’ll push a man, who loves me with all of his heart, away. i changed what i was going to say today. i had to muster up all of the goodness i had left in me to find a civilized way and less peppered way to express myself. ultimately, i’m not in a place in my spirituality to say that i forgive him, because i don’t and i’m not sure if i ever will.”

Afterwards the judge asked if the defense had anything to say. The guy apologized to my friend and then they tried to spin some story about the guy being extremely high and drunk and asked for 20-30 years. They said he’d had two 6-packs of beer, a fifth of a wine bottle, a fifth of something else, two joints and some crack cocaine. The judge looked at the guy and said, “If you had had all that, you wouldn’t have been able to stand up, let alone commit these crimes.” Then the prosecutor got up and gave her speech. It was totally something out of ‘Law and Order’. It was awesome. 🙂 She also refered to the guy as a monster.

After she was done, the guy goes, “Can I say something?” The judge kinda pauses, then said yes. So the guy turns to my friend and the prosecutor and says, “I am not a monster. That person that you just described isn’t me. I’m sorry for what I did but it was the drugs and the alcohol. Ask anyone who knows me. They’d tell you that I am not that person that you just described.” At this point, I was about to jump out of my seat, leap over the bar and go choke the life out of him. Literally the only thing that kept me from it was the fact that I would have been arrested.

What that man doesn’t realize is it’s not who you think you are on the inside. (Though I’m sure he’s not a bowl of sunshine there either.) It’s what you do that defines you. You may think you’re nice or a good person on the inside but if you act otherwise, that is indicative of your heart. What he did was monsterous. Therefore he is a monster. He’s lucky I had decided I wasn’t going to say anything. Whatever I had to say would have been laced with profanity and malice. So I decided it was best to keep my mouth shut. (Though that didn’t stop us two girls from muttering under our breath the entire time.)

The judge (I really liked her) proceeded to tell him that when he had been apologizing earlier, she thought that he maybe was actually remorseful. Then he kept talking. 😀 So she sentenced him to 100 years, which was the maximum that he could be sentenced. Woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!

We did the whole “all rise” thing when the judge left and then went out to meet up with my friend, the prosecutor, the detective and the victim’s advocate. (I think that’s what she was.) The detective and the prosecutor told us that it went as well as it possibly could and that it’s not often they give guys like that the full 100 years. Then the victim’s advocate was laughing at me because she said she’d turned around at one point and said that if looks could kill, the look on my face would’ve done it. I was apparently eviscerating the guy with my eyes. 😀

We had seen the channel 6 news crew when we walked in and then saw Raphael Sanchez when we went into the actual courtroom. He was there for another trial but he heard the one we were in. He came out and congratulated my friend and reassured her that if anything did end up on the news, her name would be kept out of it. I decided I liked him too. He was very kind.

Then we went to Bob Evans to celebrate. 🙂 All in all, it was a good day. That man can’t hurt anyone else. If anything, he’s gonna be the one hurting. The detective told us that the people who get it the worst in jail are the rapists, the child molesters and the wife beaters. So we’re all hoping he has a really nice cellmate who will make him feel right at home.

To my girl: you are so brave and I’m so proud of you. I know you don’t feel like it. I know that you feel like a scared little girl. But you have survived and you’re moving on. You beat him. It doesn’t take away the hurt and the fear but it is something to cling to. You beat him. He didn’t win. I love you so much.