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Now ask me what “truth” is. If you do, my answer will be “I don’t know”. I thought I did. But that is gone. Do I believe that there is truth? Yes. Do I believe that the truth is something we are capable of finding? Yes. Do I believe that we often have to search hard to find it? Yes. Do I believe that it is always easy to live out this truth? No. Do I know what or who or where it is? No. Will I know it when I see it? I hope so.

Deception is a powerful thing. Deception is what led the world into sin. Deception is what Satan uses against us time and again. He whispers in your ear and makes you doubt yourself, others, God. Or he makes you believe that you are God. Lies can destroy. They can destroy a marriage, a friendship, a ministry, a nation. And once the trust is gone, it is hard to regain it.

Truth can rebuild what deception destroys. But it takes time and hard work. It takes commitment. Someone once said that it takes two people to tell the truth. One person to speak it and one to hear it. But how do you know when you are hearing it?

Is the Truth a person? Is Jesus Truth? He said He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Is there truth outside of Him? Truth comes in various forms. Too many to name. Are each of them Jesus? “All truth is God’s truth.” Perhaps that is why I still believe in truth. Even after the lies that I have been told and believed, even after the lies I have told, I still believe in Truth.

We all do. Every person I know believes in the sun even when it is dark outside. Why is this? When we lay down at night, we have no guarantee that the sun will be shining the next morning. We do not know that it will be there to greet us when we arise. Yet we believe it will be. Even when we cannot see it, we believe that it is there.

Now you might say you believe because science has proven that there is a sun and that it is not going anywhere. We will keep turning and the sun will stay at the center and tomorrow morning, whether or not we can see it, the sun will be there. But what about the people who lived before we had all this scientific equipment or the ability to fly into space? They too believed the sun would rise the next day. Maybe they couldn’t explain why or how but they believed that it would be there. Why? Because it had proven faithful to be there every other day they had been alive. And every day their parents had been alive. And their grandparents and great-grandparents and so on and so forth. Is this proof? Or is it faith? And now that we have proof and maps and galaxies, does it cease to be faith?

What if the sun didn’t come up tomorrow? Would you still believe that it is there? Would you need proof? What if the sun was there but we couldn’t see its light, for whatever reason? What if we lived in darkness? Would you still believe in the sun? Would you have faith of its return? Or would you need proof? What if everything the scientists told us was wrong? Would you still believe in the sun, despite the surrounding darkness?

Why is it so easy to believe in the sun even when it is dark and so hard to believe in God when we don’t see Him?

I’ve cried more in the past two days than I have in the past two years. I am in a dark place spiritually, emotionally, mentally. So when I read Rob’s blog on Listening to the Silence, it struck me. When it feels like God has walked away, and when I think that maybe He should have, perhaps He is simply saying “Wait for Me”.

Recently I wrote a blog on being single. I still intend to write more on that topic but for now, I’m focusing on marriage. Why is this seen as such a prize? Why does the modern Evangelical church hold it up as some goal to be attained? From all I’ve seen, marriage is a pain in the butt. More than ever, I truly believe Paul when he said it is better to be single. Yeah, there are some sucky things about being single but I’m good with those things. I’ve dealt with them for 23 years and it hasn’t killed me yet. But sometimes I think that being married might.

Some friends of mine got married a couple of years ago and for their wedding present, I gave them a plaque which said “Marriage is finding the one person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” No. Joke. I have watched couples bicker over the stupidest things and thought “Why am I supposed to want this again?” And kids just make it worse.

Yes, I know that marriage is supposed to be about self-sacrifice. I know that it’s supposed to stretch you and help you grow. I know that it’s supposed to teach you not to be selfish. I know that kids are great. And I know that there are truly happy couples out there. Not without their problems but mostly happy. But why does that mean I have to want that? Why is it not okay for me to want to be single? Why does that get me labeled a lesbian or scared or full of myself?

I don’t want to argue with someone over bills or decorating or how to raise kids or when I can go out with my friends or who my friends are or what ministries I can devote time to or any of it. There are plenty of ways for me to learn patience or selflessness or how to grow without me being married. I know marriage is like the boot camp for that but you don’t have to be married to learn those things. I learn those things every day in dealing with the people I work with, my friends, other drivers, people on the internet, etc.

People seem to get so caught up in the romance of a relationship and they forget that there can be some very hard times. There is more than just the wedding day. One the dress is stuck in the back of the closet and the cake is in the freezer, life has to keep going for that couple. And that means bills and jobs and sickness and sometimes school. I know how to handle these things on my own. And I know where to turn for help when I need it. I do not need a husband to complete me, fight with me, tell me I don’t do the dishes the correct way, any of it.

Maybe one day I’ll change my mind. But for now, I have absolutely no intentions of getting married. Because it doesn’t look like a good time to me. It looks like heartache and work and I’ve got enough on my plate right now.

P.S. Please don’t leave any “Oh, marriage isn’t that bad, you learn to live with each other, you just have to find the right one, blah, blah, blah” comments. Because I’ve heard them all and they won’t change my mind and if you post it, I’ll delete it.

My guest blog for The Dwelling Place.

There may be a part two that I post on here. I have a lot to say about this.

… step back and take a long view.

The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny faction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the Church’s mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.

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