This was originally in my Daily How To post but it kept getting longer and longer so I decided to make it it’s own blog before it took over the Daily How To and smothered it in down and microbeads.

Things I Don’t Understand: How I can have a body pillow, three IKEA throw pillows, a Hello Kitty pillow, a pillow with those foam bead thingys, an “arm rest pillow” (it’s 2:00 in the morning and I can’t remember what the real name is) *and* three regular pillows and still be unable to get comfortable!

And don’t tell me it’s because I have too many pillows and that the pillows are taking over my bed and that if I just removed some pillows, I might actually have room for me and be able to sleep. (Did I mention the massive teddy bear that is also on my bed to protect me from bad guys and spiders? If there is anything my bed says about me it is “There is no room in this relationship for anyone but me and sometimes not even that!”)

I have tried the “one pillow” thing and that is even more of a disaster. If I am not surrounded by a mass of pillows and blankets and teddy bears that rivals Mount Olympus, I feel completely exposed and vulnerable and like the boogie man can totally get me now. That one awful experience where I was stuck in Florida during and after Hurricane Charlie and I thought I was going to lose my mind proved that I am not a one pillow girl. I am poly-pillow. It was our last night there (because, praise God, we had managed to hijack my grandfather’s car and get to someplace with cell phone reception so we could change our flight and get out of HELL!) and I couldn’t take sharing a bed with my aunt anymore. So I slept on the couch. And by slept I mean lay awake hour after hour because it was broiling hot and since we had no power there was no air conditioning and I only had one pillow and even though it was so hot, I could feel my eyelashes melting, I had to have a sheet over my hips in order to feel the least bit secure!

I don’t know what it is about sleep and bed but apparently the idea terrifies me on a subconscious level. I often sleep curled up in a ball. At least until my bad knee gets stiff and I have to straighten back out. I have to have at least two pillows: one to put my head on and one to hold. And if I have another one to snuggle my back against, even better. If I could sleep under a mound of pillows without suffocating, I probably would. And then the blanket thing. It does not matter how incredibly stifling hot it is, I have to have *something* covering at least my hips.

I’m sure this is somehow related to the abuse, even though it didn’t take place in a bed. (Though if you ever wonder why I get edgy about wearing a bathing suit in public…) Somehow my stupid brain has coupled “bed” and “sleep” and “MUST HAVE PILLOWS” with someone hurting me. I keep telling my brain this is why we have the huge teddy bear by the window, protecting us. (And the pepper spray on the nightstand and the knife under the mattress….) But my brain doesn’t listen to me very often. So here I am with 10 pillows, 4 fuzzy blankets, 3 teddy bears, and a partridge and a pear tree, and I *still* can’t get comfortable. I realize that tonight I’m up because of my screwy sleep schedule and total lack of sleep last week but this insomnia thing is an ongoing problem. Any suggestions other than A: taking sleeping aids because I have enough trouble getting up in the morning or B: hitting myself over the head with a 2 x 4 every night?