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I am not the woman I want to be. I am not the woman I have led everyone to believe I am. I am not the daughter, the sister, the friend, the co-worker, the Christian that I have led you all to believe. And for this I am deeply sorry. I am sorry for letting you trust me. I am sorry for not practicing what I preach. I have let myself believe that reading books and knowing a lot makes me a good Christian. I can hold my own in a theological discussion, so I must be a good Christian, right? Wrong. I give money to charities and homeless people and I hold the door open and I smile at people, so I must be a good person, right? Wrong. All of this is a facade to hide my true nature. I want to be the person I have portrayed but I am so far from being that person, I am not certain I can ever become her. Knowing a lot means nothing if you don’t put it into practice. I am sorry for my dishonesty. I am sorry for my hypocrisy. I am sorry for every word and deed that has hurt someone, whether they knew it or not. I am seeking counseling. I need help and I know this. Of all the people I have deceived, the person I have lied to the most is myself. Whether or not I was manipulated, whether or not I was taken advantage of, whether or not I was naive, I still knew the difference between right and wrong and I made choices. Choices that have hurt countless people. Choices that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. The only thing I can do is apologize, repent, and move on, learning from my mistakes. I need to figure out where I went wrong and how I could have let myself wander so far from what I know to be True. Please pray for me. I am lost and I know it.

Watching: ”That’s why we snap and kill you in your sleep…”

Enjoying: ‘Hello Kitty Cupcakes’

Thinking: Moving is such a pain in the ass.

How to Annoy Me: Make no attempt to clean up after yourself in the bathroom. EW!

How to Charm Me: Do whatever you can to help me, even if it means walking away.

Quote of the Day: We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are. – Anais Nin

Random Quirk: I compulsively correct grammer and spelling mistakes.

1000 Words: daily-23

Watching: ‘Livin’ A Lie’ (My dance company)

Reading: I survived a year at this school…and signed that “code of conduct”.

Thinking: Thank God for my friends. 🙂

How to Annoy Me: Be so pestful that 5 minutes into it, I’m telling you to fold your own damn papers and stuff your own damn envelops. YOU DON’T PAY ME ENOUGH!

How to Charm Me: Surround me with love and support when I need you most.

Quote of the Day: “…if God can bring new creation from a cross, God can bring new life into our circumstances, no matter how dark or dismal.” – Rich Vincent

Listening: ‘The Man Who Can’t Be Moved’ by The Script

Enjoying: Deeper than the chicken and the egg…

Thinking: I wish I had answers for you.

How to Annoy Me: Yesterday was pretty much an entire blogs worth of annoy.

How to Charm Me: Decide that I am your Indiana tea pusher. 😀

Quote of the Day: There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life. – Unknown

Random Quirk: I can’t keep my hands still. I either have to play with something in my hands or I will simply play with my hands.

1000 Words: daily-22

I feel extremely unstable these days. My emotions are all over the place. Everything annoys me. Everything makes me want to cry. I go from laughing to complete depression. It is all I can do not to tell irritating customers what I really think. It is all I can do not to slam on my breaks when someone is following too closely. It is all I can do not to cry when someone sounds even a little short with me.

I just want to scream until all the pain inside of me is out in cosmos. I want to run until I can’t move. I want to hide away from the world and not deal with everything falling down around me. I want to have a normal, loving relationship with my father. I want my baby sister to stay here. I want to figure out what the hell it is I want to be when I grow up. I want to be in a job that doesn’t drive me crazy. I want to be in a job that doesn’t hurt my back. I want to be in love with someone who my friends love and who loves my friends. I want to be in love with someone who is everything I need and I am everything they need. I don’t want to be in love at all.

I’m sick of feeling. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of all of it.

Listening: ‘When the Rain Comes’ by Third Day (I don’t like a lot of Christian music but this is a good song that pretty much sums up my group of friends.)

Reading: ‘The Great Divorce’ by C. S. Lewis

Thinking: It’s a sad, sad day when the last of the Girl Scout Thin Mints are gone.

How to Annoy Me: Tell me that ‘The Great Divorce’ isn’t about what I think it’s about. I’VE READ IT!

How to Charm Me: Make me laugh so hard I fall off the couch.

Quote of the Day: Don’t be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after months or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. – Richard Bach

Random Quirk: When I set my alarm clock, it has to be on an even number. (Ex. 6:14 instead of 6:15)

Listening: ‘Soulmate’ by Natasha Bedingfield

Reading: ‘Why We Need Nerds’

Thinking: People wonder why I never had interest in this…

How to Annoy Me: Be short with me because someone else is pissing you off.

How to Charm Me: Attempt to defend the cashier from the crabby customer they are dealing with. My hero! 🙂

Quote of the Day: If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, to serve your turn long after they are gone. And so hold on when there is nothing in you, except the Will which says to them “Hold on!” – an exceprt from ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling (Thanks Steven!)

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