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Listening: ‘She is Love’ by Parachute

Reading: ‘Surprised By Hope’ by N. T. Wright

Feeling Guilty: For having a donut for lunch. Somehow I doubt that is on the list of good foods to eat.

Thinking: I will make my way back. Someday.

How to Annoy Me: Drive 10 miles under the speed limit, don’t pay attention at stop lights, and swerve all over the road while obviously looking for something in the passenger seat. Pull the SUV over and find whatever it is, DOCTOR, before I call the cops on your ass.

How to Charm Me: Call me and invite me to the state fair so we can finally indulge in our elephant ear craving.

Quote of the Day: What we say about death and resurrection gives shape and color to everything else. If we are not careful, we will offer merely a “hope” that is no longer a surprise, no longer able to transform lives and communitites in the present, no longer generated by the resurrection of Jesus himself and looking forward to the promised new heavens and new earth. – N. T. Wright

1000 Words: P1171584

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Listening: ‘Like A Dog Chasing Cars’ from ‘The Dark Knight’

Reading: I didn’t go to the concert this year. Now I wish I had. Rest in peace, LeRoi.

Thinking: To insure or not to insure, that is the question.

How to Irritate the Living Hell Out of Me: Tell me I need a man. Don’t make me break the 6th commandment.

How to Charm Me: Tell me there are no stupid questions. (I will then make a point of proving you wrong but you’re still sweet. :-D)

Quote of the Day: You can kill a man but you can’t kill an idea. – Medgar Evers (“Ideas are bulletproof…”)

Listening: ‘Far Away’ by Nickleback

Reading: ‘3 Ways to Avoid Sabotaging Your Relationships with Men’ (They forget to add “No yelling “Stop asking me out before I get a restraining order, you freak!” at poor, unsuspecting males.” That might cause a few problems too.)

Thinking: Oh, the hope of maybe…curse it!

How to Annoy Me: KEEP MAKING THAT INFERNAL GRINDING SOUND! THAT’S RIGHT! INFERNAL!

How to Charm Me: Patiently put up with my fevered crazy self and my demands that you entertain me. Dance, monkey! (Me? A brat? Never. Especially not when I’m sick.)

Conversations from the Couch: *phone rings*

Friend: Don’t you want to get that?

Me: It’s not important.

Friend: It’s two in the morning. Those calls are usually important.

Me: If *I’m* someone’s suicide hotline, they may as well put the noose around their neck because my response to 2 AM calls is “Die, jerk.”

But man, if I don’t wish I was! I hate watching my friends go through crap. Divorce, miscarriages, abuse, rape, cancer, headaches that don’t end, back pain that won’t go away, etc. The list goes on and on. And I pray. Oh, how I pray. I beg God for healing. Understanding. Mercy. But more and more I feel like the ant trying to escape from the big kid with the magnifying glass.

It is *so* frustrating to feel like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. Like God just doesn’t give a damn anymore and maybe He never did. And I know the point of prayer is to bring us closer to God and not to necessarily change His mind or something. But when I ask my friends for help, it’s because I know that they can and will give it to me. God, on the other hand, our Abba Father, the one who supposedly has a plan for our lives, seems to turn a deaf ear.

I’m throwing up my hands. I am so frustrated, I don’t know what to do. I want to be there for my friends. I want to hold them and love on them and let them know that it’s going to be okay, that I’m there. And I want God to freaking do something! When I am praying, with tears in my eyes, for my friend who is in so much pain he can’t sit up, that he will receive just a little bit of relief, and nothing happens, a little bit of my faith is lost. When I am praying that my friend’s child be healed and instead she is left to suffer for days, something inside of me dies. When I see all of the pain and suffering and lies and greed and hate in this world, I stop believing, just for a minute, that there is a God.

I’m sorry if my unbelief causes anyone pain or shakes anyone’s foundation. But I am at the end of my spiritual rope. And I don’t know what else to do.

Forgive me.

Before you read any further, know that there may be spoilers if you have not read the book or seen the movie. If you are planning on seeing it at sometime, be warned. It will rip out your heart and never give it back. It will tear asunder all hope. You will leave the movie a much more bleak, sardonic, and cynical person.

Today I was driving to class and wanted to get there early so I would have extra time to study for our test. I pull my car out of the garage and the first thing I notice is the extremely dense cloud of fog surrounding me. My first thought is “Lord, don’t let anyone hit me.” So I’m driving along very carefully and fortunately, not many cars seem to be out. Suddenly, the thought strikes me: this scene feels familiar. Why am I getting a sense of deja vu? OMG, this looks like that scene from ‘The Mist’!

So like any rational human being, I take fantasy and inject it into reality in order to completely inundate myself in panic. As I keep driving, a few drops of water land on my windshield. My first thought is “Great, rain. As if it’s not hard enough to see……” followed closely by “…….wait. What if that’s not rain? What if it’s saliva dripping down from the 3000 foot tall monster that is looming over me?!”

By the time I get to class, I have completely convinced myself that the government was screwing around and ripped a hole in the universe and these monsters have come through and are wreaking havoc all over the earth. That’s why there’s a mist. That’s why so few people were out. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! And I’m going to end up in a store with radioactive spiders and I’m going to meet some guy with a kid and the audience is going to think that we’re going to get together but he’s going to have to shoot me and the kid in the end, right before the military arrives to save the day.

Did I mention there would be spoilers?

Then I got out of class and the sky was blue and the sun was shining and all was right in my world again. There was no mist. There was no guy and no kid. And, best of all, there were no spiders.

*THAT* is how the movie *SHOULD* have ended. I might have retained some of my heart and soul. I might not have been so distraught I couldn’t even form a sentence. I might not have been repeatedly threatening to kill Stephen King. And I might be just a tad more sane.

This is my friend James. He’s hysterical and keeps the Moving Company laughing. He is trying to get on the Ellen show and has been making these videos showing random stuff. He choreographed ‘Gravedigger’ by Dave Matthews for our student choreography show in February. (You know I adore him!)

I’m one of the gravediggers so you never see my face but I’m on there. 😀

My grandma passed away today. Her name was Betty Ann David. She loved golf, J.A.G. re-runs and vodka. I wasn’t particularly close to her because she and my grandpa lived in Florida by the time I got old enough to have a real relationship with them. I now have only one set of grandparents. Please pray for my dad, aunt, and uncle because both of their parents are gone now. As far as I know, both my grandma and grandpa were Christians so they are in a better place where disease and old age can’t hurt them anymore.

My darling, thou wilt never know

The grinding agony of woe

That we have borne for thee.

Thus may we consolation tear

E’en from the depth of our despair

And wasting misery.

The nightly anguish thou art spared

When all the crushing truth is bared

To the awakening mind,

When the galled heart is pierced with grief,

Till wildly it implores relief,

But small relief can find.

Nor know’st thou what it is to lie

Looking forth with streaming eye

On life’s lone wilderness.

‘Weary, weary, dark and drear,

How shall I the journey bear,

The burden and distress?’

Then since thou art spared such pain

We will not wish thee here again;

He that lives must mourn.

God help us through our misery

And give us rest and joy with thee

When we reach our bourne!

– Charlotte Bronte

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