Today, I Am 9

A year ago today, I wrote this post. Today Shane and I went to Trinity and I didn’t realize what day it was until I looked at the bulletin. I cried through communion. I cried on the way home. I am crying as I write this. Nine years of trying to follow Jesus and this is where I find myself. Away from the church that I love because of a mistake that I made.

I know that God isn’t confined to a building or to the people who attend my church. There are many wonderful people at Trinity and they seem like very kind people. I think Todd has greeted us personally every time we’ve visited. But they aren’t my family. I miss the Dwelling Place and I wish I could have been with them last night to celebrate my 9 years as a Christian. But I made choices and those choices led me here.

May the next 9 years be better than the ones previous. May they be more honest, more authentic, more full of love. May I be open to the Holy Spirit and His proddings. May I become more aware of the pain around me and more capable of healing it. May I cause less damage than I help. May I learn from my mistakes and continue to grow. May I become less so that Christ can become more. May I love those who hurt me. May I forgive those who would do me harm. May I see blessing in my suffering. May I become more and more like my Papa, in the way of Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Thank you to everyone who has walked with me on this journey. I know I have wandered from the path at times. Thank you for helping pull me back. Thank you for teaching me to love. Thank you for loving me despite my failings.

Blessings and courage, strength and honor,

Lauren

Things I Have Lost

My glasses. My cell phone. My keys. My teddy bear. My ability to trust. My favorite pair of sunglasses. My working fan. My faith. My homework. My shoes. My hope. My church. My Scottish Moores cd. My glove. My earrings. My keychain. My friends. My car. My bathing suit top. My extra long sheets. My copy of ‘Dark Night of the Soul’. My health. My memory. My Feast of the Hunter’s Moon top. My respect. My good black bra. My cat. My chapstick. My virtue. My sister. My grandparents. My notes for my book. My patience. My appetite. My ballet slippers. My coffee mug. My black ballet flats. My dreams. My job. My love. My innocence. My copy of ‘The Holiday’.

My sanity.

Afterboom

I know that I have seemed rather bi-polar as of late, especially if you are reading this from my Facebook account. A lot has been going on and for various reasons, I have been unable to blog about most of it. One of the topics I still won’t go into much detail on here about. All you really need to know is that I screwed up and hurt someone and am now suffering the consequences.

One of those consequences is this person feels that they can no longer worship with me in the same building. So, out of respect and in an attempt to show my repentance, I am walking away from the church that I love for as long as it takes. This is extremely difficult for me. I think that I have given thanks for the Dwelling Place at every Thanksgiving service we have had there because it has had such an impact on my life. It is where I have found healing from everything life has thrown at me up until now. But the thing about sin is it impacts every area of your life. Even if you think you have it pretty well separated from the rest of it, your very being is effected by this disease in you. And because of that, the consequences tend to follow suit.

This is a decision that I made. The Dwelling Place has not forced me out and I still love them deeply, which is why not attending is so painful. But I meant what I said in my blog about Healing the Broken Pieces so for now, I am walking away and leaving it in my Papa’s hands.

The other factor that has been playing into my wild mood swings is my family. I haven’t blogged about this in a public way because I know a lot of people reading this know my parents and I didn’t want them to deal with further pain. Before I say anything further, I would like to remind you that gossip is a sin, just as much as adultery or any of the other sexual sins Christians like to blow up as the “really bad ones”. (And starting a “prayer chain” just so you can tell someone about it is GOSSIP!) So please do not go running to everyone you know and talk to them about this. And do NOT go calling my family or asking them about it if you run into them. They have been through enough.

In March, my mom informed Joshua and me that she and my dad would be getting a divorce. While this didn’t particularly surprise either of us, I don’t think either was prepared for the fact that Mom would be taking Mikayla and moving to Arizona. The reason I am blogging about this now is Mom and Mikayla left yesterday for Arizona and are far away from the gossip mill. Yes, we know that God hates divorce. We know the effects this can have on us kids, Mikayla in particular. We know that we are now viewed as a broken family. We. Know. None of us need emails or phone calls or letters reminding us of this. What’s done is done and we would like to heal and move on.

For now, Dad is staying here and Joshua and I are living with him until we are done with school. Both of us should be finished in two years or less. After that, I don’t know what is going to happen.

So there is the sordid past 4 months of my life. Don’t we all feel better now?

Those Are Strings, Pinocchio

Or ‘Life As Plastic is NOT Fantastic’.

A few times a week I get mail. (I’m sure I have you on the edge of your seat already.) Quite often, these pieces of mail contain little rectangles of plastic in them. They have words like “pre-approved” and “free” and “we swear not to demand your firstborn if you give us a chance”. Seemingly, these little pieces of mail and plastic have no strings attached. You simply create an account and start swiping.

At first, it’s marvelous. No more worrying about going to the bank or finding an ATM. No more fumbling with your purse and wallet and cell phone and diaper bag and twin rugrats while trying to pay. You simply swipe and go. I have even seen television commercials where people are happily moving along in line swiping their cards and then one poor soul *dares* to pay in cash. The entire store then stops and glares at him. The nerve of this individual, attempting to pay with his hard earned money! Well, now the world can stop and glare at me because I REFUSE to use credit cards anymore.

Between online mishaps, miscommunication, customer “service” people who barely speak English, and my bank being a pain in the ass, I have paid so many “late” fees in the past two months, I could have gone on a Caribbean cruise! I have been a loyal customer. I have paid my bills on time. I have even paid them in advance! Ever since Economics class when our teacher had to convince Annie and me that as long as we paid things on time, the evil credit card companies wouldn’t eat us, I have faithfully made sure I stayed ahead of schedule. But apparently there is no reprieve for good behavior.

So I decided “Frak it! No more!” I took my credit cards out of my wallet, stuck them in my desk drawer, and told them to think about what they did. They are indefinitely in time out. Yes, using cash is a pain. It is *much* easier to swipe and go. But in the interest of saving my money and my sanity, it is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Plus, one of my goals is to become a more disciplined person. I am attempting to incorporate this into every area of my life. The Boy and I have begun working out twice a week. Once we get to where washing my hair doesn’t have me screaming in pain, I want to bump it up to three times. I have begun trying to learn how to cook so that we can eat in more and eat healthier. There are a couple of spiritual disciplines that I want to focus on. And now, I am being more disciplined with my money. Aside from the added benefit of not letting the credit card companies tell me to bend over, this makes me think about what I am buying. Do I truly need this? Is it something I will use/wear or will it end up in my closet for the next 10 years? I don’t have any of this down perfect and probably never will. But in an effort not to let the past 3 1/2 years EVER repeat itself, and as a “screw you!” to the credit card companies, this Pinocchio is cutting the strings that have held her down.

P.S. I understand that this makes some things harder (i.e. renting a car) but dammit, I don’t care! Maybe someday I will pull them back out and start using them again but for, I intend to be sans plastic for a very long time.

Tikkun Olam – Healing the Broken Pieces

We all break things. Some things are small, like cups or candle sticks. Others are big, such as a television or a car. Some things are tactile and some things cannot be touched. Friendships. Marriages. Trust. These are things which cannot be physically touched but in many ways are more fragile than that which is tangible. They can also be harder to repair. There is no glue for broken trust. No warrenty for a friendship. All we have are our words and, more importantly, our actions.

Tikkun olam is a Jewish phrase which means “repairing the world”. Repairing the damage done by ourselves and others. Healing the broken pieces. This is not merely a thought or an action but a way of life. In working to heal the world, we partner with God in His mission to redeem the world. And hopefully, if this is our goal, our mindset, our way of life, we will inflict a little less damage on the world.

This is something that I have failed to practice. For 4 to 6 months, I selfishly went against it. For 3 years after that, I allowed the fact that I wasn’t intentionally initiating the harm to be “good enough”. I had moments of self-righteousness because I vowed “never again”. Because the guilt that I felt meant that I had done my due. But I didn’t take the necessary steps to ensure “never again”. I didn’t allow the guilt that I felt lead to truth and repentance. I trusted the other person to be strong enough, even though they proved time and again that they weren’t. I selfishly wanted it both ways. I wanted that closeness without the guilt and the sin. Yes, fear of what I would lose was a huge part in this. But that is no excuse. I lacked the faith in myself, in my friends, and in my community to see me through it. So many times I came so close to saying something. To standing up in church and confessing. To telling the person sitting across from me at Starbucks. But I let fear stop me every time. While I did not actively pursue the sin, my inaction was a sin in and of itself.

So now I must work to heal the broken pieces of the mess I have created. Instead of working in love to prevent shattering, I have to find the broom and the dust pan and start from scratch. In some ways, nothing I can do will ever truly heal and repair the damage. A vase that is broken will still have lines scarring it after it is glued back together. But I will do my best, with my Papa’s help, to heal what I can.

Finally, my guilt has lead to sorrow and repentance.

Finally, I can truly say “never again”.

Finally, I can join Jesus in healing the world instead of knowingly inflicting pain on it.

Finally, mip’nei tikkun ha-olam.

My Watch Is A Fake And So Am I

I am not the woman I want to be. I am not the woman I have led everyone to believe I am. I am not the daughter, the sister, the friend, the co-worker, the Christian that I have led you all to believe. And for this I am deeply sorry. I am sorry for letting you trust me. I am sorry for not practicing what I preach. I have let myself believe that reading books and knowing a lot makes me a good Christian. I can hold my own in a theological discussion, so I must be a good Christian, right? Wrong. I give money to charities and homeless people and I hold the door open and I smile at people, so I must be a good person, right? Wrong. All of this is a facade to hide my true nature. I want to be the person I have portrayed but I am so far from being that person, I am not certain I can ever become her. Knowing a lot means nothing if you don’t put it into practice. I am sorry for my dishonesty. I am sorry for my hypocrisy. I am sorry for every word and deed that has hurt someone, whether they knew it or not. I am seeking counseling. I need help and I know this. Of all the people I have deceived, the person I have lied to the most is myself. Whether or not I was manipulated, whether or not I was taken advantage of, whether or not I was naive, I still knew the difference between right and wrong and I made choices. Choices that have hurt countless people. Choices that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. The only thing I can do is apologize, repent, and move on, learning from my mistakes. I need to figure out where I went wrong and how I could have let myself wander so far from what I know to be True. Please pray for me. I am lost and I know it.

How To 209

Watching: ”That’s why we snap and kill you in your sleep…”

Enjoying: ‘Hello Kitty Cupcakes’

Thinking: Moving is such a pain in the ass.

How to Annoy Me: Make no attempt to clean up after yourself in the bathroom. EW!

How to Charm Me: Do whatever you can to help me, even if it means walking away.

Quote of the Day: We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are. – Anais Nin

Random Quirk: I compulsively correct grammer and spelling mistakes.

1000 Words:

How To 208

Watching: ‘Livin’ A Lie’ (My dance company)

Reading: I survived a year at this school…and signed that “code of conduct”.

Thinking: Thank God for my friends.

How to Annoy Me: Be so pestful that 5 minutes into it, I’m telling you to fold your own damn papers and stuff your own damn envelops. YOU DON’T PAY ME ENOUGH!

How to Charm Me: Surround me with love and support when I need you most.

Quote of the Day: “…if God can bring new creation from a cross, God can bring new life into our circumstances, no matter how dark or dismal.” – Rich Vincent

How To 207

Listening: ‘The Man Who Can’t Be Moved’ by The Script

Enjoying: Deeper than the chicken and the egg…

Thinking: I wish I had answers for you.

How to Annoy Me: Yesterday was pretty much an entire blogs worth of annoy.

How to Charm Me: Decide that I am your Indiana tea pusher.

Quote of the Day: There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life. – Unknown

Random Quirk: I can’t keep my hands still. I either have to play with something in my hands or I will simply play with my hands.

1000 Words:

How Many Times Can I Break ‘Til I Shatter?

I feel extremely unstable these days. My emotions are all over the place. Everything annoys me. Everything makes me want to cry. I go from laughing to complete depression. It is all I can do not to tell irritating customers what I really think. It is all I can do not to slam on my breaks when someone is following too closely. It is all I can do not to cry when someone sounds even a little short with me.

I just want to scream until all the pain inside of me is out in cosmos. I want to run until I can’t move. I want to hide away from the world and not deal with everything falling down around me. I want to have a normal, loving relationship with my father. I want my baby sister to stay here. I want to figure out what the hell it is I want to be when I grow up. I want to be in a job that doesn’t drive me crazy. I want to be in a job that doesn’t hurt my back. I want to be in love with someone who my friends love and who loves my friends. I want to be in love with someone who is everything I need and I am everything they need. I don’t want to be in love at all.

I’m sick of feeling. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of all of it.